The Story of my Senior Prom

I decided it's been way too long for me to not have told this story on stage somewhere. I'm going to write it out here mostly so I remember all the parts. Then hopefully tell it tonight.

Just to set the scene for you. I'm in high school. I'm a loser. Somehow I got one of the hottest girls to go to prom with me. She was hot, but a lot of people thought she was a bitch. And she was at times. So she slid to the bottom of the draft I guess. :) My friend gets his dream girl. Boom. Double date. Best prom ever. Except not.

Senior Prom we surprise our dates with a limo. Everythings great. We get to dinner at a nice restaurant, cuz I'm classy, and that's where the first sign of trouble hits. The limo driver drops us off and he's like "Hey, I gotta make a run to the airport real quick. Call me when you're almost done." We're like "no. we're paying you right now. You grab a book." He starts arguing and we're like fine whatever. As you can imagine. He's an hour late picking us up from dinner.

Then bad things happen. We're on our way to quest field where our prom is at. We're looking around and we don't recognize where we are anymore. We passed our exit, we're like is he going to take us to the woods and murder us. We don't know. My date is looking out the window. All of a sudden. She yells "Oh shit." and the whole limo starts shaking. I literally had one of those matrix moments where I'm flying through the air inside the limo. Lucky for me. I was a pervert and was sitting as close to my date as possible. Otherwise I would have flown right into the bar and a big ass TV.

As I'm flying through the air. I saw another car next to us with a huge dent in the side spinning out of control towards the guard rail. It all happened too fast. So I didn't realize what was going on till we all came to a stop and I hit rewind. I was like dent in that car. Wait a second here. So we finally realize that somehow our driver just blasted into another car. We're pulled over on the side of the road. Somewhere in Seattle on prom night.

The driver gets out. Doesn't even stop to ask us if we're ok. Doesn't check to see if we're alive. Just gets out and starts yelling at the other car. So we're in the limo calling friends and parents and finally a cop shows up. We're like sweet. As soon as the cop shows up. The driver opens the door and says "Dont say anything to the cop. That guy was speeding." We're like "Hey, fuck you buddy."

We're sitting on the side of the road for about an hour. At this point the cop is here, we know the driver can't murder us. So we get out and start taking pictures. (most of them lost somewhere in the age before mass digital camera technology. Ah 2003 seems like so long ago.) Finally we're like we're going to miss our prom. So I got the idea. Instead of driving this busted ass limo to prom. Why don't we ask the cop for a ride.

How AWESOME would that be. You know? Everyone would expect us to LEAVE in a cop car. but SHOW UP? That would be awesome. The cop said no. So we eventually the driver stuffs the front bumper in the trunk and we get going and get to prom. That's not the end of the story.

He pulls up to Safeco field and he's like "Here we are." We're like "No you idiot. That's the wrong stadium." But it's like 10:30 now and the Mariners game just got out and traffic is FUCKED. I would call it bumper to bumper traffic but our bumper is in the trunk. I'm not sure if that still works.

We can't get anywhere. Roads are closed. People are staring. We start yelling out the windows. "Get out of the way. Our driver is drunk. You're not safe on the sidewalk." Finally we're like fuck it. We're like two blocks away. We're just gonna walk. Driver. Go straight there. Do not pass go. Do not go home and get a new car. We have an hour until prom ends. If you're not there at 12. We will kill you.

So we're walking on the sidewalks and people are like "aww you guys leaving prom?" We're like "Go fuck yourselves." "If you see a limo with the bumper in the trunk. Run for your life."

My date starts being a bitch because she has to walk in heels. I'm like 85 pounds so it's not like I can be manly and carry her. Plus dress shoes are fucking uncomfortable too. You think we like that either? No!

We finally get to prom. We have fun for about ehhhh a half hour and then prom ends. That's not the end of the story.

We go outside. There's tons of limos. We're like well this shouldn't be hard. Find the one with the missing bumper and smashed front end. Where's waldo got a whole lot easier. but none of them are ours. Our driver flags us down. He's like follow me. I got a new car. We're like oh ok. That's cool. He walks up to a little four door car and is like get in. Everyone else was like are you fucking kidding? At first I was like I better get a backseat fuck my friend, it's every man for himself at this point. but then I remembered. The front seats have airbags. So I let everyone sit in back while the whole ride home the driver keeps trying to talk to me in the front.

We get home. I don't even get a kiss on the cheek and I mean. Would you kiss me after that horrible date? Didn't think so and I cry myself to sleep.

That's not the end of the story.

The next day we're thinking. Fuck that. I want a refund. So we call the guy to ask for a refund. He answered the phone "Empire Limousine this is Frank." We ask him for a refund. He says no. I said "Ok. I'll call my lawyer and I'll call you tomorrow and see if you changed your mind." He says he'll think about it. I'm a nice guy. I called him two days later. Same voice answers the phone uses a different name. "Empire limousine this is Ray." Kinda shocked. Sure sounds like Frank. Um ok. "Hi is Frank there." "Oh no. He passed away last night. He took the whole incident really hard on himself and I guess he killed himself."

So now our driver faked his own death. It's like "Dude. We know it's you." So we play along like "Ok. Can we talk to the manager or something" "She's in thailand. We don't have a phone for her out there. She'll be back in 6 months." Okkkkk. We just hang up.

Now the end of the story is this. We contested the charge through American Express on my friend's parents' Credit Card. 6 months later after an investigation. We got our money back. But it's now become some sort of weird prom tradition. Every year my buddy and our dates all get together around the same time and call up our buddy at Empire Limousine to see if we catch him slipping. Every year for the past couple years. We call up "Empire Limousine this is [insert different name here] (he probably fakes his death a lot.)" "Yes, is Frank there please?" "I don't know who you're talking about." "Is Ray available?" "Who is this?" "Is Cindy back from india yet?" *click*

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Alright the verdict is in. About 10 seconds in I realized this wasn't going to be a stand up comedy set. I did a shortened 8 minute version of this story above cutting out filler and trying to stick to parts I thought were funny. What's interesting is some of the points where I wrote punchlines got laughs. bumper to bumper got laughs. Airbags got an ok reaction. And when I kept saying "That's not the end of the story." I wouldn't say it got laughs but it got a reaction. It could have been "are you SERIOUS?!!" but it wasn't THAT to an extent where I thought "ok they're not buying it."

The funniest part is the host comes up to try and trash on my afterwards but it backfired. "Hey guys, remember when the show was funny." and the audience didn't laugh. So the audience liked me. If only for some "poor guy" pity, but I told the audience "I know this isn't very funny yet but I wanted to tell it. Go look at my youtube if you want jokes." and they laughed. So that's my verbal contract if I ever had one.

Here's the thing. It was more productive telling that story than telling 10 minutes worth of material I knew worked and only wanted to iron some kinks out. I just did 30 minutes all weekend. Now I'll never say I don't have stuff that needs working on. but I had plenty of time to get out the jokes I wanted to do except for stuff that goes on an open mic. Plus I always wanted to tell that story and where else do I get 10 minutes where it's ok to not get laughs. Joe Henry knows I'm funny. He knows I'm a full time, paid comedian and he knows I'll come through and kill the show any time he wants it to happen. but I wanted to fuck around tonight and step out of my comfort zone and try something new.

Now I did. and now I know if I want to make it into something I tell on stage. I need to cut it way down. add some jokes. and make it a bit. Not just a funny story that happened. The audience is expecting jokes. There's some rule I heard somewhere, TV shows expect a laugh every certain amount of seconds. On stage it should be a laugh every certain amount of seconds. I forget the exact numbers. Anyway. People are expecting that at a comedy club. I think my next attempt at it will be sooner than later. but I'm going to do it at an underground open mic and see if I can tell it in 3 minutes and stick to the parts where I got laughs. but it will be after another huge week of lots of stage time where I feel comfortable enough to do it again where my confidence is ok with a non comedy set.

Speaking of my confidence. On to the next blog.