The MisAdventures of Andrew J Rivers

NEW WEBSITE IS ONLINE

2010-06-29T00:51:00.000-07:00

NEW WEBSITE
WWW.ANDREWJRIVERS.COM
THIS IS NO LONGER AN ACTIVE SITE

- - -

I went back and realized skimming over the blog you might not see that the website has been moved.

- - -

My good friend CJ Alexander was finally released from prison recently. That's right ladies. He's an ex con. Girls love bad boys! I know his virginity wasn't taken because he's been a tight ass about me changing my links on my page. I figured it was fat chance anyone here really got here for on purpose reasons. I probably google whored this thing out so much. Regardless. I figured I should come link to my new site, because apparently internet people are too lazy to just copy and paste a new address in the bar.

While we're on the section of people being too lazy. Check out one of my favorite sarcastic internet responses to send to people. Let me Google That For you

Anyway. So go check out my brand new website. All fancy and up did. AndrewJRivers.Com. If you're so inclined to, you can even just type AndyRivers.com. If they rew and the J are too much.

Movin on UP!

2010-06-17T02:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Subscribers and followers.

It's been a good ride.

Total 6,350
Average Per Day 28
Average Visit Length 0:44

Almost 30 people per day gave a crap about what I had to complain about or think out loud about on here. Blogger just doesn't cut it though. I have no idea how delusional I was. but when I started this. It sounds weird. I knew I'd be here some day. Not specifically. But I knew I'd still be doing it.

I mentioned off hand that one day I needed to get a real website and have someone make it for me for cheap because I'm broke. Apparently people listen to the radio still. Some guy emailed me (I actually got lots of emails and offers. Just one that fit my budget of free. lol.) and hooked me up with a URL and a wordpress engine to power it all.

What's weird is I've been talking about being single and desperate for a while. 0 offers have been forwarded my way. Unacceptable.

Anyway. I've got a new thing sort of up and running. I'll be messing around with it to see what I like. Check it out. Subscribe and bookmark.

-AndrewJRivers.Com-

Let's have some fun and visit my FIRST blog post ever.

Just started this blog, so maybe one day when I get a fan, people can follow me.

I went to giggles open mic tonight (thursday).

My brother Keith is gonna work on getting the video he took on youtube asap, so stay tuned for that.

Other than that, it went pretty well. It's tough to get feedback on your jokes when there's like 3 people in the audience. I brought like 8 friends with me, which was cool and they all said I did a good job, but they're my friends so they're supposed to say that. Even the other comics just stayed in the lobby until it was their turn. Which I thought was weird.

It's funny that I thought it was weird for the comics to not come watch the open micers. I QUICKLY understood. I actually go out of my way to not watch a lot of people because I end up frustrated that they have a good idea and are executing poorly. and do you see what I mean when I say I thought from the start I'd be famous? Weird.

Anyway, I was probably pretty obviously nervous, as I thought I had about 5 minutes of material but I just breezed through it all in like one or two minutes. I have a joke for that, but I'm saving it for the air tomorrow morning, cuz I think my dad wants to interview me.

I'm gonna write some new stuff and try to elaborate on some of the stuff that people said was the best. I honestly think that in a room full of drunk people paying to laugh at something, most of those jokes would have killed but maybe that's the bob rivers ego in me. Like I said, when nobody laughed it was because there wasn't anybody there to laugh. haha.

Thinking back. Giggles was often empty at open mics when I first started. So it's kinda hard to get a gauge on my first couple videos. Of course they suck to me now but I remember feeling more comfortable every time I did it. All I know is my first weekend I killed for 4 minutes and bombed my last joke in front of a pretty big audience.

As far as next gigs, Giggles has an open mic on Sunday too, I think I'll show up again and try to pace myself. baseball... cold showers... baseball ... cold showers. Other than that, the cool manager from the Parlor in Bellevue is gonna train me to be an announcer over there so I can hang out with some comics and perhaps groom me for the comedy biz. Which I thought was awfully generous.

Anyway, come out sunday night to giggles. It's only 5 bucks. 9pm is showtime. The other people need someone to listen to their jokes too. Even if it goes bad, it's still pretty funny.

Anyway, gotta go try to sleep. Youtube video coming soon.

FYI. It's not funny when it goes bad. The whole parlor thing is this. I forgot about it until I read it. I remember going to a show at Bellevue and Rueben said he would help me and eventually give me a spot and maybe host shows regularly. It took him a couple months to put me on a show. I was there pretty regularly over the summer. Then he double booked a show for guest spots and wanted me to trade shows with another comic. My friend lukas was headlining giggles. So I was like I can go there and get 4 shows instead of just 2. No big deal. Ever since then I felt like he didn't like me much as a comic. He's always been nice to me though.

Anyway. Fuck it's late. I'm going to bed. Hosting at laughs thursday for testerot and then Richard Lewis this weekend.

Calendar

2010-06-15T01:11:00.000-07:00

Just seeing if this works. I've got to figure out a decent spot to keep it, I can't be typing it every week in tons of places.

~~Hmm. Doesn't seem to show the events. So I guess Click on it for now~~ BOOM! Fixed. if you want to see proof that I'm actually close to a full time comic right now and see when I've slipped back into the mediocrity of open mic land. If the spots blank, feel free to offer me something. :) If it's filled. Feel free to offer me more money :)

It's funny. If you go back a few months, You can see when I started using my Calendar app on my phone. The months before that were pretty busy but I was still using my physical calendar. Then I got annoyed with not having my calendar in the car or when people would call me. So I figured I better graduate to the 21st century.

P.S. tinkered with the layout a little. Blogger finally upgraded their shtuff. Don't be alarmed I may change it around when I get more time to explore it.

Save the Animals

2010-06-13T00:55:00.001-07:00

Stuff like this cracks me up. This makes me want to donate money to whoever didn't do a good enough job chaining the FUCKING BEAR up. If that was like some poor dog. Fine. I'd want to donate but that bear won't hesitate to BREAK YOUR BODY if you let that rope thing or whatever get untied from his face.

I want to donate money to the people keeping bears chained up, so they can afford the best chains money can buy. lol. They should go door to door asking for donations. With the bear. "Hey we uh... we're the people for the ethical chaining up of bears, we're trying to raise money because our rope is running low and getting frayed *ROARRRR* WHOA WHOA! I don't know how much longer this will hold. Won't you help?" "Hell yeah. I think I got some snow chains in my garage we can get that temporarily on him and then I'll grab my wallet."

I think I've already covered PETA being a joke. Nothing against treating animals nicely. Just saying. PETA flipped out when Obama killed a fly. Since when did PETA start caring about flies. I've never seen one of those "Adopt a Fly" commercials. I understand if OBama is kicking kittens around the white house but its a fly. Sarah McGlaughlin singing. Some flies were raised without access to good poop their whole lives.

Stupid.

Someone came up to me tonight. One of the waitresses at the fairwood country club and was like you're funnier than the guys I see on TV. I was like Yes. I totally agree. Now someone give me a leno spot or something. Shit. I'm tired of being broke. lol.

My Kid is an Honor Student at Hooters of Montana Sticker

2010-06-13T00:24:00.000-07:00

I just sold my first 25 bumper stickers. Technically I gave 2 to friends and 1 guy sorta walked off assuming they were free. He was drunk so I just figured let him have it. lol. Anyway. My next design will have something on it about "AndrewJRivers.com or facebook.com/andrewjrivers or something." That way people know it's me. but for now I figured I'd check the google results for "Hooters of Montana" or "Are you smarter than a hooters girl?" and "My kid is an honor student at Hooters of Montana" - None led to this blog. I probably haven't posted much about it. I'm sure if it's possible to google me crying it would be nothing but blog posts here. :) That's kinda funny. How do you google crying noises. lol. I might make that into something. Dibbs. Bam. (Nobody wants your stupid joke ideas, Andrew.)

Anyway, I'm going to keep this post relatively short because hopefully this will attract anybody who googles those things and they're gonna see this blog and not be like aww this comedian complains a lot. Why isn't he just happy? lol. What a shitttty blog. So yes if you were like "God I was so drunk. I think that guy was funny and why did I wake up with this bumper sticker in my bed. Who was that comedian?" you've reached the right page. Or if you walked out to your car one morning and found the sticker on your car and you were like "F@#(^&@!" - This is not the right page. I just sell them based off my joke. I didn't tell him to put it on there.

Had a blast at the fairwood country golf club tonight with Geoff Lott. Sold like 10 stickers there. Sold the rest over the course of 3 nights on a Tribble run to Oregon. And I got my first speeding ticket recently. And I think I'm gonna end up driving to the California gig. Last minute flights were too expensive and I'm not sure how many FF miles I have. I don't know if I'm up for the Marathon yet. The most I did was like 5 or 6 hours. From here to Spokane and then from Medford to Portland last night while Mike Wally caught some Z's.

I should update my calendar. I'm close to 400 shows since I kept track. I've become much less anal about recording every set, and every set list and dating and timing them. In fact by less I mean not at all recording those things. The set list doesn't change very much these days. I'm pretty locked in for 30-35. In fact the only problem is trying to figure out shorter sets now. What do I do for 5 or 10? I have a 20 coming up for Richard Lewis shows. That's like blue balls. 5 and 10 is foreplay but 20 is like ... yeahhh I'm doing a really long set, I get to do all of my jo ooohh syke just the tip. What do I cut out? It's all pretty good at this point. All pretty clean. Some of the stuff needs to work more regularly.

This new one is killing some nights and getting NOTHING other nights. "I went on a date and this girl said "Be nice to me, my dad has a black belt. I was like I don't care. I have a black friend. - Rock Paper Scissors, Gun beats Fist anytime."

Even when it does well, the last line isn't working as well as it should. Time to call in the tag machine friends and see what they come up with. (that's right audience members and fellow comedians. Comedy is a [tag]TEAM effort sometimes. Different perspectives can change the joke immensely for the better.)

Anyway I said I was keeping this short and to the point. If you're looking for stickers, Email me or find me at a show. IF you bought one. Thank you. Tell your friends. I need to get famous soon. If you had one put on your car at whole foods. Neener neeneerrr. Just kidding. I love you. Come to a show sometime.

BP Cares

2010-06-07T15:15:00.000-07:00

HILLLLLLLLLLLARIOUS. I've been following @BPglobalPR for a few weeks. It's a fake BP PR twitter account with satirical PR about the oil spill. Very creative. They did an interview with ABC news. The guy spills his water on himself, someone tries lowering a top hat on a fishing pole. Just fucking hilarious.

The Closer

2010-06-02T14:51:00.000-07:00

I hate compelling tv shows. The ones where every episode ends on a curcial plot point and you can't wait to hear the rest. I'm literally addicted to Breaking Bad for the past few days. Every episode ends and resolves just enough, but creates a whole new series of questions. It got me thinking.

In the same way as you do comedy. What if every joke was a "closer"? People say things like "Make your closer your opener so you can get rid of it sooner." Why would you get rid of it? As long as it's respectable, original among other things.

How about make them all closers? I know it's a ways away, but something to work for. I want to make every joke something worth ending on. You never know, right? How many shows have gone according to plan? The guy says "Go do 30" then you start doing crowd work and it goes over really well, and one thing leads to another, you get the light and you've done no material. Is that a memorable experience? Sure the audience may have enjoyed themselves, but is your crowd work what makes your career? Does comedy central want a 30 minute special of you calling some guy a fag or whatever it is you do?

I didn't start this blog idea as an ANTI crowd work campaign, but it feels like it's shaping up that way. I'm not really against it. I have built in crowd work. I'm sort of paranoid about talking to the audience. I'm paranoid about the unknown. Sort of.

In 7th grade I asked a girl out over the phone. I had the plan masterminded in my head. I wrote out what I would say, and several options of what I thought she would say. Then I wrote my responses to each of those. and her responses to those and so on. Of course absolutely 1% went according to plan. lol. I don't know why I never prepared for "I just want to be friends."

Yet. This journey (*Cue smoke machines, and best pothead voice) This JOURNEY, MAN. - Is so unpredictable. I have filled June. Some of July. I have some things in September. but I have NO idea whats going to happen along the way. I have some faith that I'll be able to pull it off without unemployment. but I really have no idea.

Anyway. I think the memorable part of someones show is the jokes. That you can have an inside joke with your friends with and re tell to people. but I understand the positive side of crowd work. Making them feel authentically in the moment. So my rationale between both sides is to do both. I have built in crowd work. I have one particular joke that's in a way - designed to fail. So I can call the crowd out and make them feel like I'm giving them shit for not laughing at it. It appears genuine all the way up to and sometimes through the ending line.

My New Commercial

2010-06-02T00:25:00.001-07:00

My friend called me to ~~act~~ STAR in this new cheesy commercial he was doing. Not to take credit for the whole damn thing, but I'm pretty much the star. He had a basic outline and said improv the rest. I came up with some cool lines. I had some fun. I think I could do this acting thing if Hollywood calls one day.

Retired Joke of the Day

2010-05-27T22:15:00.001-07:00

Here's the deal folks.

I'm going to retire ONE joke per day from my act. Not my current act, idiots. The good shit took a long time to get to. (but for the right price... hey I'll write better shit. lol.)

Anyway. These are old crappy jokes. Some of them got great responses but were just 'easy". Some I could never figure out how to get a response I wanted. Some are somewhere between. They could all be had for cheap if you really want one of the good ones or think you can do better with the sitty ones go ahead and try to figure it out. I won't tell anybody. BID with Confidence. lol.

I hope this also gives you an insight into just how much my act has transformed over the year. I hope it forces me to keep writing and transforming, so one day I can sell some of these better than average jokes I'm currently using. (better than average in my opinion and a few others.) I'm hoping this experiment helps me by studying my transformation and finding a common voice in the older and newer things. Even though I'm still not sure what that means.

To start it off. Here's a retired joke I may be tempted to un retire for summer. Although I doubt I will. It usually killed as my opener. but once in a while got some groans.

"Boy it's hot out today. The AC is broken in my apartment, so I just had 2 fans blowing on me. I barely got to sleep. Their names were Vanessa and Jessica."

That was day 1. Check out my facebook fan page. Facebook.com/andrewriversshouldquit. Like it if you like it, tell me it sucks. Offer an idea to make it work. Tell me how hacky it was. Whatever you want to say. It's retired. You can't hurt my feelings. :)

Sound fun? ok Do it!

Also. Here's a weird idea Adam NorWest and I thought of. Act writing service. For a good fee. We'll write you 10 minutes of new material. We did it one time for a girl (for free :( Adam was trying to get laid. What else is new.) She had never done comedy before. We wrote a shit ton of original jokes for her. She did a few open mics and then never did it again. But she KILLED. We were like. Man. We should offer this to other comedians who need it. *shrug*

Whatever. But mostly just buy my old shit. lol. I got kids to feed.

There is NO free advertising

2010-05-27T16:38:00.000-07:00

This was posted because of someone making certain comments. I've talked with the person. There's no issue anymore. I'm leaving this up because for pure transparency into the whole radio aspect and what I gain out of it. Since many people are probably pretty curious. There's some more things, but this addresses one thing people often misrepresent.

I want anyone out there reading to know one very important thing: There is no such thing as free advertising. There is no sex in the champagne room.

Any commercial spots are paid for. Comments on air are more about a proud father talking about his son's happenings and the station talking about current events that would interest listeners. KZOK talks to comics performing at Laughs, Underground, Parlor and Giggles. All for FREE and they give the shows a plug, because they might interest the listeners. They also talk to guys from local casinos, and other non comedy related venues like Jazz Alley. Many of those venues ALSO choose to buy advertising on top of that. I know Giggles has recently and I know Laughs has in the past.

The advertising buy has nothing to do with a club getting a comic on the radio for an interview. Names and Bios and Videos are submitted to a producer weeks in advance for consideration and plenty of times turned down. (even some of my hooters comics. I play by the same rules.)

Yes. Sometimes when I get on the air I do promote whatever shows I'm doing. If you look at how much "FREE advertising" we gave HOOTERS after they stopped paying for it. You'll notice by the recent cancellation, it's not even that effective.

I promoted my show last weekend at the Tacoma Underground. 2 people said they heard me from the radio. I'm sure Jon Fox is grinning through his gold teeth because of my help.

I've tried my best to make my own reputation and not give anyone the impression that I use my dad in substitute of my own hard work. It doesn't always happen. I know people believe whatever they want. I'm just hoping one or two people who read the blog will change their mind. (Get it? Callback! - I'm a professional ladies and gentlemen. lol)

Why do you do this?

2010-05-25T00:10:00.000-07:00

Any comics out there care to answer the question? Why do you do this? What drove you? What made you spend every night working harder? What continues to drive you?

Even the half serious answers like "I don't have any ~~other~~ skills" are acceptable since I would claim that as one of mine.

The reason I ask is pretty simple.

I was at a show recently and someone said "You're probably the hardest working comic in Seattle."

How do I answer that? The more thought I gave it. The more I realized he meant "hardest working semi new guy" I don't think he was saying I work harder than Upton, Kermit, Gabe, Susan, Crowe etc etc any of Seattles big headliners. but I discussed it with a friend. We decided I'm probably just outside of the top 5 features in Seattle, and easily in the Top 10 somewhere in terms of my act and skill level.

Anyway. The guy kept talking me up (and my bullshit detector didn't go off. So it seemed pretty genuine.) he said "I think you get everything you deserve. While I was out drinking every night, you were in buttfuck, Montana doing shows with Susan and getting on stage every night. You work really hard and nobody can take any credit away from you."

I'm not sure it's the exact words but its all the same. The point I'm making is this. I think. If you KNOW the key to becoming a "mildly successful feature act" in Seattle is a one year of busting your ass. You have right in front of you what you yourself deem to be a shining example of how a little hustle can pay off. Why don't you do it?

Let me use a different scenario. Kanye made songs about "Conflict Diamonds" and how he felt bad buying big chains because he knew little black kids in africa die for the diamonds. but then he still did it. So how bad does he really feel?

Working out. I used to hate it. I knew it was good for my body. but I still didn't want to put the work in. When I started seeing results from working hard in comedy. I realized. Hey. It's not that hard to "Just Do It" (c) Nike. Eventually you get better on accident. Broken clock style. Now I'm working out regularly and starting to see (tiny) results and I start to gain confidence in anything I want to do. I know a little bit of hard work. I currently don't have anything on my to do list now. (except some women but those take lots of work, and lots of chocolate and lots of luck and other stuff I don't know yet.)

Maybe this guy who knows he could work hard and be a better comic or more towards what he wants, but he just doesn't want to?

I guess it's like either take it seriously or just quit. Let me get the stage time. We don't need 60 people at every open mic fighting for 3 minutes. How about 30 fighting for 6 minutes?

If you want to be successful. Then TRY. If you KNOW for the last couple years. You've dinked around and not made much progress. Stop DINKING around. Or just quit.

Why do I do this? I don't feel like I have any choice. I wasn't really good at the film thing. I didn't have a desire to be good at the video editing thing. I didn't want to be the guy that sat at a computer for 8 hours a day looking outside at how sunny it is.

I'm not really good at much else. I don't really have a desire to learn to be good at anything else. I didn't want to be one of those 30 year old taco bell managers that I make fun of when I go there. I guess I felt like this was the easiest way to make some money respectably.

Motivation for me was pure impulsive ignorance. I had a few people in my ear telling me it would take 5 years to get anywhere. but for some reason. I just didn't believe them. The thing is. If I HAD listened to them, it would have taken me 5 years. I wanted to make money at 6 months in. I remember being drunk in a bar next to giggles talking to another comic like "I've got 3 months of unemployment left. I think I can do it." Thankfully unemployment got extended a few extra ~~months~~ years. but now I'm about to run out and I won't need it if my calendar stays decently full. I'll be broke. but that adds character.

The thing that kept me going was always feeling like I was right around to corner from the hump. I was. I just didn't know there were multiple humps to get over. I also was conceited and thought I was more talented than these other guys performing. I just didn't have the experience. Im humble enough to say top 10 feature in seattle is a good spot but I still believe the only thing separating me from the pack is experience.

And at the rate I'm going, it shouldn't be too long. Which is why I can't believe this guy who seems to have figured it out would seemingly admit defeat and not go after it TODAY. *shrug* I can't make better decisions for other people. but I can write a passive aggressive blog about it. Maybe it will inspire someone one day. I wish I was good with words. Maybe I'll start my own bootcamp. $25 entry fee. I can't offer Kyle type connections. but I can do the motivational speaking thing. I guess that's what my blog is until I get famous. I never wanted to admit it. but a couple months ago way back when some kid told me I inspired him on my blog. I hoped he would have stuck with it and tried as hard as me and get famous and be like I read Andrew Rivers blog. lol.

By the way. If you care to answer. A short sentence is fine with me, a couple words, a short well known phrase. You don't have to go write the rough draft of your introduction to your new book like I do every time I hit publish. I just like to repeat things over and over because I feel like I suck at writing blogs and I have to explain things to people because I'm either really really smart or I'm really really stupid.

---

Here's another weird thing. Can you tell if your kid is smart right away? My dad said he knew from an early age that I was more aware than the average kid and that he could tell I would grow up to be very smart. Part of me can see being a brilliant child (because I'm conceited. lol) part of me calls bullshit. I was "aware" that I was about to shit my pants? I dunno. Maybe it's one of those speeches every dad gives his kid.

Feeling Good, Feeling Great

2010-05-23T23:03:00.000-07:00

My confidence is at an all time high right now. Even after a sorta crappy show tonight.

Here's a 25 minute set from the weekend:

Andrew Rivers Feature Set @ Tacoma Comedy Underground from Andrew Rivers on Vimeo.

Here's me and Nate goofing around:

And here's just a short clip of me making fun of Barb a little bit.

The Story of my Senior Prom

2010-05-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

I decided it's been way too long for me to not have told this story on stage somewhere. I'm going to write it out here mostly so I remember all the parts. Then hopefully tell it tonight.

Just to set the scene for you. I'm in high school. I'm a loser. Somehow I got one of the hottest girls to go to prom with me. She was hot, but a lot of people thought she was a bitch. And she was at times. So she slid to the bottom of the draft I guess. :) My friend gets his dream girl. Boom. Double date. Best prom ever. Except not.

Senior Prom we surprise our dates with a limo. Everythings great. We get to dinner at a nice restaurant, cuz I'm classy, and that's where the first sign of trouble hits. The limo driver drops us off and he's like "Hey, I gotta make a run to the airport real quick. Call me when you're almost done." We're like "no. we're paying you right now. You grab a book." He starts arguing and we're like fine whatever. As you can imagine. He's an hour late picking us up from dinner.

Then bad things happen. We're on our way to quest field where our prom is at. We're looking around and we don't recognize where we are anymore. We passed our exit, we're like is he going to take us to the woods and murder us. We don't know. My date is looking out the window. All of a sudden. She yells "Oh shit." and the whole limo starts shaking. I literally had one of those matrix moments where I'm flying through the air inside the limo. Lucky for me. I was a pervert and was sitting as close to my date as possible. Otherwise I would have flown right into the bar and a big ass TV.

As I'm flying through the air. I saw another car next to us with a huge dent in the side spinning out of control towards the guard rail. It all happened too fast. So I didn't realize what was going on till we all came to a stop and I hit rewind. I was like dent in that car. Wait a second here. So we finally realize that somehow our driver just blasted into another car. We're pulled over on the side of the road. Somewhere in Seattle on prom night.

The driver gets out. Doesn't even stop to ask us if we're ok. Doesn't check to see if we're alive. Just gets out and starts yelling at the other car. So we're in the limo calling friends and parents and finally a cop shows up. We're like sweet. As soon as the cop shows up. The driver opens the door and says "Dont say anything to the cop. That guy was speeding." We're like "Hey, fuck you buddy."

We're sitting on the side of the road for about an hour. At this point the cop is here, we know the driver can't murder us. So we get out and start taking pictures. (most of them lost somewhere in the age before mass digital camera technology. Ah 2003 seems like so long ago.) Finally we're like we're going to miss our prom. So I got the idea. Instead of driving this busted ass limo to prom. Why don't we ask the cop for a ride.

How AWESOME would that be. You know? Everyone would expect us to LEAVE in a cop car. but SHOW UP? That would be awesome. The cop said no. So we eventually the driver stuffs the front bumper in the trunk and we get going and get to prom. That's not the end of the story.

He pulls up to Safeco field and he's like "Here we are." We're like "No you idiot. That's the wrong stadium." But it's like 10:30 now and the Mariners game just got out and traffic is FUCKED. I would call it bumper to bumper traffic but our bumper is in the trunk. I'm not sure if that still works.

We can't get anywhere. Roads are closed. People are staring. We start yelling out the windows. "Get out of the way. Our driver is drunk. You're not safe on the sidewalk." Finally we're like fuck it. We're like two blocks away. We're just gonna walk. Driver. Go straight there. Do not pass go. Do not go home and get a new car. We have an hour until prom ends. If you're not there at 12. We will kill you.

So we're walking on the sidewalks and people are like "aww you guys leaving prom?" We're like "Go fuck yourselves." "If you see a limo with the bumper in the trunk. Run for your life."

My date starts being a bitch because she has to walk in heels. I'm like 85 pounds so it's not like I can be manly and carry her. Plus dress shoes are fucking uncomfortable too. You think we like that either? No!

We finally get to prom. We have fun for about ehhhh a half hour and then prom ends. That's not the end of the story.

We go outside. There's tons of limos. We're like well this shouldn't be hard. Find the one with the missing bumper and smashed front end. Where's waldo got a whole lot easier. but none of them are ours. Our driver flags us down. He's like follow me. I got a new car. We're like oh ok. That's cool. He walks up to a little four door car and is like get in. Everyone else was like are you fucking kidding? At first I was like I better get a backseat fuck my friend, it's every man for himself at this point. but then I remembered. The front seats have airbags. So I let everyone sit in back while the whole ride home the driver keeps trying to talk to me in the front.

We get home. I don't even get a kiss on the cheek and I mean. Would you kiss me after that horrible date? Didn't think so and I cry myself to sleep.

That's not the end of the story.

The next day we're thinking. Fuck that. I want a refund. So we call the guy to ask for a refund. He answered the phone "Empire Limousine this is Frank." We ask him for a refund. He says no. I said "Ok. I'll call my lawyer and I'll call you tomorrow and see if you changed your mind." He says he'll think about it. I'm a nice guy. I called him two days later. Same voice answers the phone uses a different name. "Empire limousine this is Ray." Kinda shocked. Sure sounds like Frank. Um ok. "Hi is Frank there." "Oh no. He passed away last night. He took the whole incident really hard on himself and I guess he killed himself."

So now our driver faked his own death. It's like "Dude. We know it's you." So we play along like "Ok. Can we talk to the manager or something" "She's in thailand. We don't have a phone for her out there. She'll be back in 6 months." Okkkkk. We just hang up.

Now the end of the story is this. We contested the charge through American Express on my friend's parents' Credit Card. 6 months later after an investigation. We got our money back. But it's now become some sort of weird prom tradition. Every year my buddy and our dates all get together around the same time and call up our buddy at Empire Limousine to see if we catch him slipping. Every year for the past couple years. We call up "Empire Limousine this is [insert different name here] (he probably fakes his death a lot.)" "Yes, is Frank there please?" "I don't know who you're talking about." "Is Ray available?" "Who is this?" "Is Cindy back from india yet?" *click*

---

Alright the verdict is in. About 10 seconds in I realized this wasn't going to be a stand up comedy set. I did a shortened 8 minute version of this story above cutting out filler and trying to stick to parts I thought were funny. What's interesting is some of the points where I wrote punchlines got laughs. bumper to bumper got laughs. Airbags got an ok reaction. And when I kept saying "That's not the end of the story." I wouldn't say it got laughs but it got a reaction. It could have been "are you SERIOUS?!!" but it wasn't THAT to an extent where I thought "ok they're not buying it."

The funniest part is the host comes up to try and trash on my afterwards but it backfired. "Hey guys, remember when the show was funny." and the audience didn't laugh. So the audience liked me. If only for some "poor guy" pity, but I told the audience "I know this isn't very funny yet but I wanted to tell it. Go look at my youtube if you want jokes." and they laughed. So that's my verbal contract if I ever had one.

Here's the thing. It was more productive telling that story than telling 10 minutes worth of material I knew worked and only wanted to iron some kinks out. I just did 30 minutes all weekend. Now I'll never say I don't have stuff that needs working on. but I had plenty of time to get out the jokes I wanted to do except for stuff that goes on an open mic. Plus I always wanted to tell that story and where else do I get 10 minutes where it's ok to not get laughs. Joe Henry knows I'm funny. He knows I'm a full time, paid comedian and he knows I'll come through and kill the show any time he wants it to happen. but I wanted to fuck around tonight and step out of my comfort zone and try something new.

Now I did. and now I know if I want to make it into something I tell on stage. I need to cut it way down. add some jokes. and make it a bit. Not just a funny story that happened. The audience is expecting jokes. There's some rule I heard somewhere, TV shows expect a laugh every certain amount of seconds. On stage it should be a laugh every certain amount of seconds. I forget the exact numbers. Anyway. People are expecting that at a comedy club. I think my next attempt at it will be sooner than later. but I'm going to do it at an underground open mic and see if I can tell it in 3 minutes and stick to the parts where I got laughs. but it will be after another huge week of lots of stage time where I feel comfortable enough to do it again where my confidence is ok with a non comedy set.

Speaking of my confidence. On to the next blog.

Tacoma Comedy Underground this Weekend

2010-05-19T16:15:00.000-07:00

Sharing some fun stories with my dad's crew today.

Nipple Tassels on Animals. Spike was crying at the end it was probably the highlight of my radio career.

Tacoma Comedy Underground this weekend. Richard Lewis 6-18/19 in Anacortes. The way my dad said it, it made it sound like it was Richard Lewis at the Underground. lol. This weekend's headliner is Nate Jackson. It's gonna be a great show. :)

Thoughts on Rap Jokes

2010-05-14T22:37:00.000-07:00

Speaking of Chris Rock.

He has (in my opinion) done rap jokes better than anyone else could. He cornered the market, destroyed the topic. It's hard to be original and talk about rap music. Yet, my dad always wants me to write jokes about rap.

I came up with a few things. The only problem is. Anyone who listens to rap. Doesn't think it's funny. I told the joke once in a more "urban room" - OPENED on it in fact. Worst show I ever had in my life. 20 minutes of me sweating and wondering why nobody is listening anymore. lol. I told the joke in Bremerton and this week in Yakima and it kills.

It's not that the joke is bad. It just makes sense for rap people. The joke is about a song from like 1994 called "Juicy"

Towards the end of the song he goes "Phone bill about two G's flat. No need to worry my accountant handles that."

I made a joke like "Hey Biggie, get an unlimited plan. They're like $200 bucks. I think his accountant is ripping him off."

Well in 1994 a cell phone bill probably was like 2 grand. lol.

The other part (and the setup for the phone bill joke) was about how rappers brag about things that shouldn't be bragged about. "Bitches and rims. That's something to brag about. I heard this song and Biggie goes 'Birthdays was the worst days. Now we sip champagne when we thirstay.' - Uh... That's called being an alcoholic and it's nothing to brag about."

That part has nothing to do with urban audiences. Comedy audiences (and some comedians) are generally alcoholics. Truth hurts. They usually giggle at that and then laugh really hard at the phone bill joke. Same thing with my "Celebrate getting older by acting young and stupid." Works really well for radio and makes my dad laugh because it's smart comedy on another level. but for your average audience it's just the set up.

This isn't funny.

2010-05-14T22:24:00.000-07:00

Now before you get all hater on me. I'm not hating on the man. He's got more money. I can certainly respect the work he's done. all in all. this blog is just my opinion.

I'm trying not to be one of those "joke purists" but I can't really help it I guess.

He's just retelling a story about some crazy shit that 1 million other people witnessed. People come to comedy (in my opinion) to be like "I could never do what he just did." but if you go and some guy tells a story about an R Kelly concert. You're like "Oh yeah. I remember that. Hey. I could do comedy."

Which. Anyone can. but we don't need more competition. Fuck off.

Just kidding. But the only "jokes" are when he says "we're the only white people here." which is funny. The funniest part is when he talks about the interview with R Kelly. That's like joking about a viral youtube video. Chris Rock was GREAT at taking something like that, sort of re telling it so you get the jist of it and launching into a whole bit about it. but the funny part of that shouldn't be about the actual video. Does that make sense?

Plus I hate it when you can see a set list on the floor. Isn't comedy about the illusion of spontaneity? Unless it's a order for the host. Still. Memorize it like everyone else has to do.

Plan B

2010-05-13T02:33:00.001-07:00

I just deleted like an 8 page blog about my feelings and shit.

who wants to read all that. i'm feeling vulnerable, emotional, scared and excited all at the same time. I'm not even on my period. The only thing I want to repeat from the previous blog was I'm an all or nothing type guy. I didn't have a plan b. Not on purpose. Not because anyone wrote it in my book. But just because I didn't know any better. I'm the same way with everything. Video games. Women. I fall hard for girls like every other day. Then as soon as I get rejected enough to get it through my head or I get tired of chasing that ~~carrot~~ FISH? (<- That's funny!) at the end of the tunnel. Bam. On to the next one.

Not sure if Hooters is canceled yet. Had some decent shows lately. I'm busting my ass to get people in. It's working a little bit. Not sure what to do with anything anymore. Feeling lazy. Uninspired but that's because it's 4am. and I'm on my blog writing about my feelings. boo hewwwww. right. Get over it, Sissy. You laugh for a living. It's better than the shitty job you had staring at computers and making videos all day. "I haven't seen the sky in like six days." (c) Bill Burr.

Whatever. Goodnight.

Our Meat is Different

2010-05-06T18:52:00.001-07:00

I was at a restaurant and it says on their menu that they "Only work with farmers who treat their animals with care and respect." I don't understand that. They still kill them for the meat, right? So how much respect is that? What's the difference anyway? Does meat taste better if it comes from a good family? Taco Bell meat had an abusive father who was never home. The Mcdonalds' meat's mother drank while she was pregnant?

---

Jokes aside. I get it really doesn't make a difference and it's all a matter of public image and stuff. Sure some meat might be "Tainted" with chemicals and shit and I realize I'm not supposed to ask questions and just accept what people tell me. All in all it doesn't matter to me in the end. As long as meat keeps being tasty, I'll keep eating it. but it's just one of those things people probably don't think about when they look at the menu. They just smile and go "awww"
---

Does the cow feel better about dying if it lived a good life first? The cow is in line to get slaughtered and it's like "I'm ready. I've lived a full life." lol. No. If there's a cow who was raised in the ghetto. If there's a cow from puyallup. His daddy cow slings crack to keep grass on the table. He knows his chances of survival can't be that good. He's expecting to die early. The rich cows probably have no idea what's going on. They're like "what's this line for? Spa treatment?"

And not the good kind

2010-04-25T23:37:00.000-07:00

You ever look back on a bad relationship and wonder how you missed ALL the warning signs? Like you come home and there's nothing in the dryer except for bed sheets and pair of your girlfriends underwear? (go ahead. I'll wait.) Yeah. Turns out. She's a squirter. And not the good kind.

- - -

I'm not gonna lie. It's been a while since I had a girlfriend. So I've been dating lots of ugly chicks to get my confidence back up. I make it work though. We just go on lots of movie dates. Lazer Tag. We always have fun when the power goes out.

I love phone calls with Adam. We were just talking about random stuff in life. I said "You ever think back and wonder how you missed all the warning signs?" he said "That's funny." I said "Oh yeah. That's a good premise. hmmm" Then he came up with the middle line. Then I wrote the last line.

Teamwork folks. Nobody is on my level like Adam. Perfectly subtle and clever at the same time. It's so fun. I wish he didn't move to Chicago. :(

Some things aren't right

2010-04-22T11:20:00.000-07:00

I saw a cereal the other day called "Strawberry Fields". Is that an official Beatles thing? Do they know about that? If you're going to sell out, do it smart. They won't give itunes permission for their music but you're ok with a cereal? Hell, let's go all out. Beatles inspired condoms. "Come together."

Way too much setup for a shitty joke. lol. need to write something at the start that makes sense.

I saw a sign in a parking lot that was for "Low Emitting Fuel Efficient Vehicles Only". I thought about it, why should people with Prius' get to park closer. That's messed up. but then I realized. It's hard to walk across the parking lot with a stick up your ass.

Heyyy.

That's funny.

What else is going on.

I'm at Laughs in Kirkland tonight. Opening for Jim Karol. Crazy Hypnotist / Mindfreak / psychic mad man. 830

Important things on my mind

2010-04-22T01:59:00.000-07:00

I need to stop talking to weird girls. If I could date a female version of myself, I would be happy.

Some girl sent me a picture message the other day in her underwear. First thing in the morning. WHO DOES THAT? Knowing I'll never get to see that in person. Especially first thing in the morning when you know it's prime time. She wanted to show me that she's "getting back into shape." She wasn't even fat before. That's the thing. I would have easily taken her +5 pounds. By working out and getting into shape, she's just ensuring she can get any guy she wants, and she will never have to be stuck with me. I sent her a message back like "Go eat some chocolate cake." .... Vanilla. Yes that's a black joke.

What else. Oh. lol. I was talking to this girl today. She told me she got roofied on friday at some bar. I was like "Why do you go to these shitty bars?" she said "The drinks were free." I was like "AND ROOFIED!!!!!"

I dunno if any of those will stick in the actual set. I think the one in the blog below won't actually be a joke but maybe something to come back to one day. Here's another one I probably won't use.

I was talking to my buddy the other day and I was trying to do my part by letting him know he was hooking up with an ugly chick. The girl had a huge chin. Like. Jay Leno would be jealous. So I told him "Dude you could use her chin as a snow plow." actual reply: "That won't matter when I'm plowing her from behind."

I have some of the funniest friends on the planet.

Now on to some very serious topics.

Anyway. I read something earlier about all bans lifted for the last giggles open mic except "the two that know who they are." I'm assuming I'm one of them. People ask me about my ordeal with Terry once in a while. I've never really felt the need to explain it Mike Cummings style over the blog. Most of the time I don't care about it anymore. However. Sometimes when I thimk I'm being talked about I feel the need to address it.

Now don't take this for anything more than the text it is. I don't know the truth behind every story and I don't pretend to. I'm sure Terry has helped plenty of people and I honestly wish my own personal experience reflected the story he tells of the people that came before me. Like he mentioned many giggles comics went on to great things and many went on to hate him. Here's the bottom line. Why is that an acceptable attitude? There's a lot of people who mentor a lot of people without pissing off 2 million of them. If your graduation rate is 100 out of 2 million. That's not a success. Just how I see it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8z5ZdMHNwo

That's why it's my blog and my opinion. While I'm addressing things. This whole "Personal Assistant" thing going on with my buddy Kyle. I probably wouldn't care that much if I didn't have to see all the facebook updates and messages begging me to leave a ringing endorsement on someone's page.

Here's my opinion. If you need an assistant. Hire an assistant. I think people may be interested because it feels like an easy way in. Breaking News: There is no shortcut to stardom. Not by becoming an assistant, not by sleeping with anyone, not by a special mentor, not even having a dad in radio. Overall, nothing will affect your career more than your own hard work. Yes my dad has helped me. but it only works because I work hard. If I was lazy, didn't write and wasn't funny. There's nothing my dad can do and nobody he can introduce me to. That's the simplest way I can put that.

Work Hard. Be Kind. Don't blog about Comedy Club owners. I think Conan left that part out of his speech. ;)

Who's the last personal assistant to anybody to become famous? I ask that as a serious question. I know P Diddy had a show on MTV to find his new PA. I don't know the name of his new PA. or his old one. I don't know the name of half the people on Bad Boy Records. People think a Co-Sign from someone higher up means all the work is done? You got a record deal? Good, now bust your ass and make a good record.

P. Diddy started as a personal assistant to some guy at a record label. And then he got fired and busted his ass to start his own.

I'm not saying Kyle is misrepresenting this dream on purpose. I believe he's a good intentioned spirit. I've been to the bootcamp and had several amazing conversations with him. All of which are great things for those who want to use them. but I've also heard from people who have not gotten emails back from Kyle when he promised they would. Maybe that's why he needs an assistant? Understood. but how is the assistant going to critique videos from bootcampers and give them tips on their set? Is the assistant going to help you with bookings? I'd do that job. "Kyle is not available that week. but Andrew Rivers is!" (kidding. I know some people like to read without a sense of humor).

I'm just saying. Things are getting out of hand in my opinion. Good night.

women make my head spin sometimes

2010-04-19T01:47:00.000-07:00

Prelude:

Computer screen cracked bc I was too lazy to untangle my phone charger and I thought if I pull real hard it will come loose. It did. It hit my laptop screen. -$800 I don't have. Awesome.

Blogging from my phone.

So I was just texting this girl I've been kinda talking to lately. By talking I mean trying to have sex with. Gotten close a few times but never got the ball over the fence. Anyway. The summary of the conversation to this point is about her new tattoo. I asked if its my name on her ass. She says no. I say it should have been. She says "I don't think someone would like that." *scooby doo voice* "Huh?"

Who does that? By the way. I know we've almost had sex a couple times but I have a boyfriend. Well. Sorta. We're taking a break but we're trying to work things out. Oh. Yeah. How's that working out for ya? I'm not a slut I'm just working out my ex boyfriend issues. Lol.

"Dont like to hide anything from anyone so just letting you know." No. You don't get kudos for admitting you stole a cookie when I catch your hand in the cookie jar.

My personal life likes to "take one for the team" so I can write new material every day.

Hooters Schedule Changes

2010-04-14T16:41:00.000-07:00

It's been a crazy two weeks. Last minute cancellations have been plaguing my normally easy resting tuesdays. Ron Stubbs had something come up at the last minute, so he will be rescheduled in May. Then I realized I didn't have to be in Oregon till thursday which made me even more stressed because I had already offered to give someone else a ride. Fun. Anyway, Hooters tonight!

Tonight will be John Sanders featuring and Jason Stewart headlining with a special guest appearance by Jeff Dye. He is in town for a college show at Gonzaga later on I think, or he's just visiting friends and family. I ran into him Tuesday at Open Mic as my phone was blowing up and he said he'd be happy to come down and do some time to fill the gap. Jason Stewart also happened to be in town (craig gass had to go to LA for something. Damn. Soon enough though.) It's really cool to me that these "Bigger" guys will come to "Little" rooms if they have nothing else going on. I can't imagine ever being too hollywood to go to a hooters on a wednesday night. We almost had Ty Barnett fill in last week because I happened to be doing some shows with him while my headliner cancelled and we talked about it, but he had to run to La for something so he didn't end up doing it. Leif Skyving (And Curt Sudden) happened to be popping in town anyway for a different gig, so he filled in. And did an awesome job I might add (For a 3rd stringer j/k). lol.

That's why it's great to have Susan on my side. She's the comedy operator. She knows everyone's number, and knows who's in town and they're probably staying with her anyway.

8pm is showtime so try and get there a little early. It should be packed tonight.

Comedy is my anti-drug

2010-04-11T01:32:00.000-07:00

The day after my 24th birthday. My head hurts. From being punched.

23rd birthday. Blacked out on my friends porch. He doesn't look so hot either. lol

Why do we celebrate getting older by acting young and stupid? I'm turning 25 this year. All my old friends want to go to the club and drink. Yeah bro! Pop Bottles! And then they puke on themselves. We're supposed to grow up eventually, right? I've puked on myself enough. Constantly puking from ages 1 to 5. I was a late bloomer. and again ages 21 - 23. Well. 18-23. I dunno. I don't even like to drink. Actually. Let me rephrase that. I LOVE to drink. I just hate waking up in the morning with a headache. From being punched in the face.

I had a girl tell me I was boring at the club because I didn't want to drink. So I stole her wallet. How do you like me now?!

We're engaged.

Fear Mongering

2010-04-10T16:45:00.000-07:00

The following is an opinion article. It's my blog suckas. Therefore you get MY opinion.

If you promote a healthy environment. People will want to be around you. People will respect your wishes. If you rule with an iron fist. Only the weak will follow you. Your ship will sink. Isn't that proven by now?

It's got to be some sort of Karma force. If you don't believe in that then I don't know what you prefer to call it.

To relate this to comedy, I've read many articles on dealing with heckling. It's one area I want to improve upon, but it's not an easy thing to practice. It doesn't happen when you are prepared. Obviously. One common theory is, just keeping asking them questions. #1 It gives you time to think. #2 Eventually they'll say something stupid themselves and the work is done for you.

If a person is constantly suppressing you in life, in your career, in a marriage. You can just leave. They will eventually shoot their own foot. Only those who want to go down with them, will. You know what I mean?

Success is a choice. Go get it.

Monday is my 25th birthday. Last year I got punched in the head. I realized I wasn't doing productive activities. It literally knocked some sense into me. April 17th I started a notebook to write every set down. I'm on pace for 298 shows by this April 17th. You can say my dad helped me and I wouldn't be where I'm at without him or whatever excuse you want but you can't deny my own work ethic has only multiplied those factors. If I had only done 100 shows in this year. I wouldn't be doing the same things I am. Regardless of who my dad is.

Get out of the house

2010-04-08T14:13:00.001-07:00

I wanted to post this thing even though it might be one of those blogs where all I need to do is post one sentence but I ramble forever. I've often said I'm terrible with words. Thats the point of this, sometimes I say things but it's not clear why. I say "get out of the house" it will help your comedy.

My new friend Denis and I were talking about it and he put it much more eloquently. "Put yourself in the way of comedy." If you wonder why you can't write any new material, maybe you should stop playing Halo 6 hours a day and go do something. Go visit a bikini Barista stand. Go get a gym membership. Go to Montana. Go watch a show. Call a friend from another state. Strike up a random conversation with a cute girl. Go visit your parents. Take a road trip. Talk to your roomates. Go visit a psychic palm reader. WHATEVER. You get the point.

I feel like I should make a list: 101 ways to write a joke.

Those are all things that have recently led me to newer material. It's not all stuff I use constantly. But it keeps me on my toes, comedy can come at you from anywhere and it will keep me writing. Constantly. It's so important for you to change your act around and keep things fresh. Always be looking for the next tag. It's annoying. and it's a constant struggle that should never stop. When I met Titus and his new DVD "love is evol" was coming out. He said he couldn't watch it, because he already fixed everything, filled in the dead spots. Now right off the bat, I've watched that DVD a gazillion times, and I'd be hard pressed to find any "Dead Spots". but to each his own.

The DVD hadn't even released yet. He's got to move like a million units. lol. That's crazy dedication to me. It sounds stupid, but I feel the same way with my youtube videos. I'm sick of them in a week and all I notice is glaring holes or insecurities peeping through.

So next time you're feeling stuck. Put yourself in the way of comedy. or a mack truck. Whatever you prefer. Both of them will move you.

How NOT to get booked

2010-04-08T12:59:00.001-07:00

Asking to get booked is like applying for a job. You wouldn't walk into a resteraunt and be like "Yo. Whats the deal with a job?". The following are a few very good examples of REAL comments/messages I've received on facebook since the room started. Names removed to protect but if you want to find them, you can probably search for it. Don't blame me, you people put it out there.

"I have big tits, can I play at hooters?"

"Can you book me for a show? How long do I have to be nice to you for?"

"What a sausage fest. I Wanna play at hooters."

"Do u know when you have a spot at hooters?"

I even got a phone call, someone gave my number out to someone from out of town. (Not a cool move without permission fyi) This person went on to tell me how he wanted to find some work and so and so gave his number to me. I told him to send me an email with his dates, a link to some videos I can watch. This guy sent me an email and after leaving out the dates he was here, sent me another one:

"I only have one request if you can make that possible. I would also like to perform on (dates removed). So, if you know of anyone who has shows on those night please let me know."

Sure, I can recommend you to other people when I really don't want to book you myself.

What on earth makes you think that that's gonna get you ANYWHERE? You wouldn't go up to a club owner and say any of that? Just because I'm also a comic that you think you have a relationship with bc you make fun of my status updates once in a while. That doesn't break the business relationship. Just stop sending me that crap people.

You know how many people approach me in person? I don't like to book face to face and even if I know you, I don't carry my calander around. It's easier to deny you over the internet. So I say just send me an email with what dates you have open, a link or whatever and I'll try and fit you in. and if you do that, it becomes MUCH more difficult to deny you. Here's an email I got the other day. It's not even the greatest example, but it's simple, professional, polite. It gives me all the information I need, because I know the guy already and he's been in the room before. I don't need a link to his youtube. But if I don't know you, that might be a good thing to include.

"How's it going?
I've been reading your posts, you're doing good stuff.
I'm coming home first half of May and would love to do Hooters again. Is there openings for features on (dates removed)? Let me know, I can also help you promote."

Boom. That easy. I'll check my calendar, if I've got room, I'll genuinely try to give someone a spot. No more status comments, no more picture comments, no more crappy emails.

Comedy clubs across the US don't come looking for you. You have to reach out to them 99% of the time if you want to get booked. Usually through a referral of someone you know is already in with the club, you might send a press kit with a DVD. This is why you will never make it. Quit comedy, go get a day job. Seriously. Or change it up, send everyone you know with a room a real email like I described. I promise you'll get booked a lot more effectively.

You can thank me by giving me a commission on all your gigs now.

The five dolla holla

2010-04-06T18:21:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to announce my journey to manhood. I am no longer a bikini coffee stand virgin. The headliner in yakima wanted to stop by one. So I obliged. They have this thing called a 5 dolla holla. For $5 they shake their ass and hit a cow bell. The only coffee stand that makes me need a nap after each visit.

I'm also happy to announce I'll be back home for a while. At least this month. I'm going to Oregon next week for a contest quickly, but I should be back for the weekend unless I win the thing. Which is quite possible. I'm amazing.

Met a really cool comic from NY Denis Donahue (probably spelled wrong) he was a big sports fan and he had all these cool sports sayings relating to comedy. Like "The Ump isn't giving you the corners." or "The curveball just isn't dropping for a strike today." and "I'm getting squeezed on both sides of the plate."

It made me LOL because I've heard those phrases so many times watching baseball but I'd never thought of relating them to comedy. Some days the audience just isn't giving you the leeway. lol. Like at my charity show a few weeks back. Squeezed on both ends. Had to throw it right down the middle for them to call it a strike.

I love sports. I'm happy baseball season is back.

Movie Review: She's Out of My League

2010-04-04T23:51:00.000-07:00

GREAT FUCKING MOVIE.

I'm not A LOL'er but this movie had me ROLLING. They just take your kinda normal nerdy guy meets pretty girl cookie cutter movie and make it INTENSE. Great writing. Not even that, but the direction and editing of everything was the MOST impressive. The timing of the gags really stood out. and above all. Great story. It was REAL. It was genuine. It had a great message for guys who didn't know you can have whatever you want. Not even applying it to women. You wanna be a comedian. Do it. You wanna be the best software engineer bandanna wearing hippie. GO FOR IT.

Youtube just ate a piece of shit when I went to grab the trailer. Here's the RESTRICTED facebook trailer which shows a few things you can't air on TV, but I think it ruins the surprise of one of the funniest gags. So if you aren't the type to get turned off with a tiny spoiler or two (I'm not talking plot spoilers. If you don't know they end up back together at the end you're a fucking moron), check it out. Also when I talk about the timing. Everything in a trailer is sped up to make it quick for tv. You know how that goes. Not edited for comedic timing.

Anyway. I don't usually post about movies. I promise you this was a great movie.

More Adventures and Random Jokes

2010-04-04T16:34:00.000-07:00

The greatest thing about being able to commit to comedy full time (thanks terrible economy.) is being able to live daily. To get out, experience something. I've got about 15 minutes of gym material. I'm not saying a majority of it is very good or even gets used in a long set. but I develop new things to write about every day, just by living life.

I saw something very interesting at the gym. I want to be careful telling this because you're going to think I'm a jackass. but I saw two very large women on the treadmill and I felt very proud. I was like that's so good. I wanted to go up and tell them good job. You know? Keep it up! You can do it! but then I thought that would be weird. People would be like who's that crazy guy talking to the treadmills. "Man you are really working hard! I am so proud of you. Gold Star." lol. Like I said. Likeability out the window at that point.

I told it once so far and it worked pretty good, but it was in the middle of my 30 set in front of a very safe college crowd.

Now most people who know me well, know I HARDLY go out to clubs anymore. NEVER would be an exaggeration but it doesn't happen more than once a month. But last night was a friends birthday, so I figured alright. I actually have the weekend off. (next weekend I'll go out a rare 2nd time for my birthday. Unless someone books me? ;) )

I was at my friends house when I watched a very good girl - friend (intentional space) of mine, take her birth control pill with a shot of Belvedere (vodka). I promised her I would make fun of her. I don't know how yet, but that's why I have this blog. To come write some crap that I eventually mold into a joke.

So I watched this girl take her birth control pill with a shot of vodka the other day. I gotta say, I was kinda turned on. Obviously any girl who's going to sleep with me is going to need to be drunk. and obviously if she's drunk I'm not going to wear a condom. The next morning she was still drunk. I was trying to convince her that despite what she heard, the "Hair of the Dog" theory is not an effective method of birth control.

(or maybe I AM trying to convince her. Does that mean she's drinking again or having sex again. Hmm. Needs work. but I like the hair of the dog line.)

Sometimes I just come up with random lines that have no set up or story behind it. Eventually I find a place for them. A few months ago I thought of a funny resteraunt named "Brokeback Steakhouse." I had no idea where to use it. Finally the other day I thought that would be an appropriate name for a Male Version of "Hooters". I was pretty happy because it's a very very hack premise. I know a couple people with the same "Roosters" themed joke with different variations.

A girl told me that she could smoke weed during pregnancy and the baby would be fine. Because weed is NATURAL. It's made from the earth. Regardless of the effects it may or may not have. Hotboxing your uterus is not a good idea. Because when you give birth, it's going to be hard to get the lava lamp and bob marely posters out of there too.

Meh. That's it for today. Time for some video games.

Comfortable

2010-04-02T23:46:00.000-07:00

I've been getting more comfortable lately. It was good to have some softball crowds finally. It boosts my confidence, I can focus on the jokes, I can focus on the set knowing they've got my back to laugh at the right spots. Don't get me wrong, they didn't laugh at anything. I did a set at Dave's in Milton and the crowd seemed so easy. But this new guy went up and did some joke about babies with down syndrome (LOL!) and people started booing.

Susan put it best and I don't know the exact words but it was something to the effect of "Every one of your jokes is good enough in the ideal situation to get a big laugh." which is what happened at Dave's. If it's funny. They laughed. If it wasn't. They didn't. Mostly Polite. Not much heckling but enough to let me mess around with them but polite enough to know when to shut back up.

I'm going to come up with a new term. Softball crowds. It's not fastpitch. Everythings a little slower, and it's coming underhand but you still have to swing and hit the ball.

Then I did some College shows on the penninsula. I had a lot of fun. A little less perfect than Daves. but still softballs. I had a great moment I'll upload to youtube soon where I deal with a guy's cell phone going off. As soon as it rang, it got quiet, and he covered his face and looked at the sky like "ohhhh shitt" and I asked if it was his wife because she's been dodging my calls all day. It got a huge laugh. He said "Hey man, You can have her." which got a good laugh from the audience. I said "Well. Thanks for your permission, because I've been having her." and then whenever I needed to make fun of someone I went back to that guy and he was a good sport about it. Even added me on facebook.

There were still quirky moments. Another phone went off a couple minutes later. I couldn't think of anything quickly, so I was just like "don't make me come out there." which got an ok response but it felt like cheating. I guess baby steps. lol. Then in the middle of my worldvision jokes some lady asked if my kid in africa knew anything about religion. I sat and stared at her for like 30 seconds. lol. Afterwards (always afterwards) I thought of a great line "I don't know. Let me call him and see." or "I don't know. I'll ask him tonight when he gets on skype." or something.

Anyway. Now the only issue is to keep getting on stage in places that will let me do 30 or more. I've got this competition in oregon coming up I'm excited for it. The only problem is trying to figure out which joeks I want to do. The smoothest 6-8 isn't probably all my best jokes. But it's good enough hopefully to get me to a next round where I can comfortably get to 4balls and hooters of montana and other things I think are some of my best jokes but take up a lot of time because they are whole bits and not just a joke and a couple tags.

Also Susan and I were brainstorming some merchandise ideas. Or "Merch" as they say in the "Biz" (c) Jeff Dye.

I really like Gabe's bumper sticker idea because the overhead is very low, it's not annoying to take around and it's not an annoying t-shirt someone is going to see in their closet and be like "Why did I buy that? I was way too drunk."

I've got a "Hey Kobe! Tell me How My Ass Tastes" t-shirt still in my closet someone made based off some rap video Shaq made when the lakers lost the finals or something because I thought it was HILARIOUS. Worn it maybe twice.

I kinda wanted to build something around my 4 balls law joke which I think is still one of my best/favorite jokes. but Susan mentioned it would stand on it's own. You can't have the whole set up and delivery on a t-shirt. It's just gotta be simple. Susan came up with the idea of "My kid is smarter than a Hooters girl in Montana." based off the Montana Hooters joke, and those annoying bumper stickers parents put for middle schoolers. But I thought that would piss off corporate and some people wouldn't like it. So I think Im going to make some test ones that say "My kids is an Honor Student at Hooters of Montana", see if they sell at my next couple gigs where I do a feature set. It's time to make some cash money.

Some guy at Dave's came up and asked to buy my CD. I didn't know what to say. I was like I don't even have a website. Just some crappy blog. Not that it's going to happen every time. but I also need to start thinking about a website.

Stage Time

2010-04-01T00:28:00.000-07:00

So by the end of the day tomorrow I'll be at 282 shows since 4-16-09. My (last minute) goal of 300 by this April 16th is probably not coming to fruition. But I'm still very happy with it. Obviously things are going just fine.

The other day at Open Mic. I saw something that made me want to touch on the very important aspect of stage time. Every once in a while you see guys go up and just dick around for 3 minutes. Why? Some guys just dance until the music comes on. The other day that inspired me was right after some loco dude went up and tried to rap by banging a beat out on ... tupperware clothing bins? Anyway. He was wearing a wig. A distracting set up admittedly. But still. The comic who I presume was newer. I'd never heard of him. Which for the record doesn't mean anything.

I don't pay attention except to specific people at open mic. Partially because I don't care. not that I wouldn't be nice if the person approached me. but I'm not much of a social guy anyway. I find the easiest way to not sit in the back with other guys and rip on the new kids is to not even watch or pay attention. Plus I know I was there one time so long ago. Some people probably think I still am. So that's fine.

Back to the story. This guy banging random shit grabs my attention just because we like to see trainwrecks and the underground has closed the green room on open mic nights :( so I'm always wandering around waiting for my turn. The next kid goes on. and stands there. Shellshocked. "I have to follow that. I had new jokes all planned and practiced and ready. Now it's ruined." And he stood there complaining on stage for the whole 2 1/2 minutes about how his time was ruined.

At least try the jokes. If they don't work. THEN blame the crowd. They'd probably like to move on from that last shit they wish they didn't see too. Address it at first maybe or not at all but move on. Stage time is too valuable to waste. Now that I'm writing more, I have more bits I want to work on than I have stage time to do them. I would have gladly taken his 3 minutes and worked on something else. Now don't make a habit of blaming the crowd. The common rule is NEVER blame the crowd even though there are probably rare instances when you probably can.

I specifically remember several Giggles open mics with this freak-o named Kelly. I don't know if I ever blogged about him. This guy was fixing random stuff in Giggles on his own dime and time and for some reason got to be the MC on weekends and open mics and... at some point you can't be mad at cheap labor all he wants is attention, so Terry let him have stage time. To be fair, I never quite got the full story of how it happened it just kind of ... did. Then just as quickly one day it was just done. Boiling points met their match. but this guy would get in some midget costume on stage and play a banjo and it was terrible. and there were several times when I had to follow that and try my material which whatever it was at the time I thought of as clever or smart. The audience was just shell shocked from this. I was always told don't blame the crowd. But ugh. Sometimes you just couldn't find an excuse.

Bridget the Midget.

That was a weird time. "IF YOU WILLLL. LADIES AND GENTLMEN." HAH. Memories. I never thought I'd think of that again. I guess it was good for something. I eventually started writing quick lines about Kelly to say as soon as I got on stage. Especially when that story about the escaped convict in Spokane was recaptured from the fair or whatever. Id ask the audience if they heard something about that. It was kinda a big story at the time. People would slowly be like oh yeah. and I'd say. I think they got the wrong guy.

Nothing spectacular. but addresses the issue and moves on. Now it seemed to work for the minor acts. I don't know if I ever learned to follow bridget the midget in it's entirety. I did watch Jeff Dye follow it once at an all star weekend I think. But it was mostly making fun of Kelly. Exploring the space. Coming up with jokes on the spot. But addressing it for a good 5 minutes before going into material and every once in a while stopping to address the ridiculousness.

Press Play. I dare you.

Made me wonder if that stuff was ever good. I wonder what I did that day. I specifically remember CJ going up right after me, and eating shit and then we went to Dantes next door and bitched about it for a while. That's another problem I feel I have. I look back and I still like a lot of my jokes. I just like my newer ones a lot better. I feel like I shouldn't like old stuff. Don't get me wrong it's not fantastic obviously I don't use it anymore. I just think some of it's still pretty funny. Some people look back and say ohhh those were horrible. I don't know that much has changed. I'm just making better jokes and better topics and being more efficient about it but several times I feel like I've written the same joke over and over. Sometimes it feels like cheating. Especially when both of them work.

example: transitioning to my gym/healthy stuff from being on the road I talk about how the only downfall of the road is I don't eat very healthy, fast food and mcdonalds is bad for you. "I know I'm not fat or anything. I'm like a sunburn away from being adopted by brad and angelina."

its almost the same as the world vision joke:

"Worldvision wouldn't let me go to Africa. They said I was too skinny. (...) Brad and Angelina aren't down there picking out their next kid like 'Let's get the Albino one!'"

In fact when I wrote it I thought I would stop telling the world vision stuff so even if it was the same joke it didn't matter. And I did for a while but I was still usually doing shorter sets. Susan got me back on it when she heard it for the first time and my dad told me it's still some of his favorite jokes. So I brought them back. It's weird that it's the same joke to me. but far enough away that they both do really well.

That's an analogy my dad came up with the other day and I kind of agree. There's only so many "jokes". actual jokes. Like a piano. There's only maybe 12 notes. There's just different manipulations of the same note to tweak it. There's only 12 real jokes. (not saying that's the number. just using it as the example) just different ways of telling the same joke over and over again. I recall Kyle talking about this a little bit on his "leveling" but you can search the blog for it.

I got beat up a lot in high school. AND THOSE WERE JUST THE TEACHERS

I got beat up a lot in high school. but only when I forgot to turn in my homework.

Something like that.

Anyway. Don't waste stage time. Ever. Please. Give it an effort. Do your jokes. Don't bash other comics. Don't do crowd work. Don't bash a club. There's no point. Work on your act. There's been a lottt of times somewhat disruptive audiences have been at laughs during an open mic and some more experience comics spend all their time shitting on the guy in front. It's just feeding him more.

I dunno. I don't want to say it like I've got the world of comedy all figured out. I know there's not a handbook, but there should be a guidebook. And that should be in it. Don't waste your stage time.

New Videos

2010-03-29T23:12:00.000-07:00

Excerpts from my 30 minute set at Dave's in Milton the other day.

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My Dating Life

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Stories from the Road

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Trying to be Healthy

The Legendary Show

2010-03-29T12:36:00.000-07:00

Brad Upton, Kermet Apio, Duane Goad, David Crowe & Me.

Last Night. 4 LEGENDS of Seattle Comedy got together for FREE for one night of Charity.

You would think people would be pissing their pants as soon as my 6 minutes as host were over. You'd think wrong. :)

Sometimes charity shows are tough. I had them at the start but as soon as I got to Hooters of Montana. They didn't want to laugh at anyone's expense but mine. 4 balls completely bombed. Which I heard before the show it was a room full of lesbians but I have NEVER seen that joke get silence like that before. lol. Fun.

I hate to admit it, but sometimes my dad is a little smarter about this comedy shit than I like to give him credit for. He's been telling me for a few months to not get so worried about their reaction. "React the same if they laugh, as you do if they don't laugh."

Today I happened to get a chance to converse with a big time comic. Brad Upton IM'd me on facebook. Those keeping track at home. This is the second huge comic to actually acknowledge my existence in the last week. I think my dick just grew a few extra inches. lol

Brad:
"I hope you learned something last night

4 of the best had to work their asses off and they've been doing it forever

the key is not to panic and accept it as what it is

Andrew:

That's a good nugget.

My dad has been trying to tell me sort of the same thing

react the same if they laugh or they don't

Brad

exactly!

they'll come around

if the audience senses the comedian is feeling uneasy, then they get uneasy

if the comedian seems to be enjoying himself then they start to enjoy themselves"

God damnit. I hate it when my dad is right.

I also wanted to include this, because as somewhat inappropriate as it might seem to put it out publicly (and I hope he doesn't mind). Comics still have these thoughts:

"Brad:
It still makes me want to say to the audience last night: "Look, we're working for free and this is the best show of the year in Seattle. Loosen the fuck up!"

But i can't

I know this is the analogy used for other things that are way more serious issues. But it's weird to see inside the mind of a guy like that. Like: They're really a person too. They have feelings. lol. It's not automatic. It never is.

I love comedy.

What's it Like?

2010-03-27T17:58:00.001-07:00

I get this all the time:

"What's it like having your dad on the radio?"

I don't know. What's it like not having your dad on the radio?

My dad lectured me the other day. He said I accept disinterest in too many topics. He also called me lazy. I think we covered some of that conversation earlier.

I think I finally came up with an analogy. Having my dad on the radio is a lot like a corporate bailout. I do something stupid. My dad is there to bail me out. But in return, he gets to tell everyone about it. Does that make sense? Like, AIG was run into the ground. The Government bails them out. But in return, you get non stop news coverage about AIG for about 8 months.

For example. One time as a young lad, I got Chlamydia. I'm not going to go into that topic a whole lot on the public blog. lol. Let's just say, I stay away from girls from Kent now. My dad paid for the doctor bill, but he also told everyone about it on the radio. So now random people come up to me like "What's it like?" and I dont know if they're talking about my dad or the chlamydia. "Well, it kindof burns when I pee."

I like that. I think I'm going to try it on stage tonight.

** For the record: Any attractive women reading this blog. lol don't be scurred. Chalmydia is actually the most harmless STD there is. It goes away for good with one $40 pill and this was several years ago. I'm all good. Come get some. haha.

My Other Hand

2010-03-27T17:16:00.000-07:00

I've been picking up some habits I'm not sure I'm ok with.

Lets Backtrack:
Since day 1 I've been a "mic in the hand" type of comic. First thing I do is grab the mic, move the stand out of the way, and talk with one hand holding the mic with one hand.

Now for most of my jokes, I use my other hand (usually my left) to gesture and "Show" the joke to the audience. But sometimes during the set ups, or jokes I don't have gestures for yet, I find myself not sure what to do with my other hand. Sometimes I start crossing my arms. Sometimes I put it in my pocket. Sometimes I rub my stomach. I don't know what I should be doing with that hand and I don't know that it really matters. Some guys are fiddlers with the mic stand. I don't know if I like that. but sometimes watching video of myself. That's all I can focus on. "Why are you rubbing your stomach. Are you hungry?"

I don't know. Does it matter? Am I going way too into this?

The Big Nutz Show

2010-03-24T00:50:00.001-07:00

The Big NUTZ SHOW

Hilarious Comedian, Nate Jackson, just started a Podcast with Jubal Flagg from KISS 106.1 (also a hilarious comedian, featuring this week at Hooters, BTW)

I have only given it a 5 minute listen so far. But it seems to be a good combination. and I wanted to blog it for other people to check out while I got my ass to sleep.

P.S. If you're on the East Coast. Boston or DC. Check out NATE and the New Jacks comedy tour out there this week. http://www.newjacks.com

Can't Stop Won't Stop

2010-03-24T00:03:00.000-07:00

*does the puffy dance*

lol. I am so white. :)

So here comes another long ass blog about nothing. So ya'll have fun with it when you got 80 minutes to kill. You do know I'm doin this for me to look back at. I could give a damn who reads it. I've had a bunch of random people come up and tell me they read it and it's inspired them. I'm not a motivation speaker, but I did stay at a holiday inn express. So. Take any of this with a salt shaker.

Hey, so I featured Jazzbones tonight. I was pretty happy with the set. I trimmed down the 40ish I was doing all last week on the road and local out of towners and the kent winery and got my tightest 30. I didn't have the time to practice it a few times I wanted to. but I was still happy. It's a tougher crowd and I had them for about 15 minutes. After that I started to lose them to table talk. Then it starts to make me nervous because I know people are barely paying attention. Then it's a vicious cycle. I keep gettin tested. lol.

It's easy to be great when everyone's paying attention. I got jokes for days. I probably did 40-45 clean at this Kent Winery for a bunch of old people. I say 40 of it hit really well. There was a few dirtier things they didn't like, but even at my dirtiest I still like to be clean. Susan told me to add a few mothafuckers before the show. So I swore way more than I ever have. Especially in the last half, but it didn't seem to do the trick. I had prepared so much for grabbing their attention at the start, that I didn't prepare for losing it. lol. I guess I just thought that highly of my shit? So I started to realize shit wasn't clickin and half of me is talkin to myself like "Call them out. Yell at them bitches. Tell them to shut the fuck up." and half of me is like "Hey now. You stopped drinking all the time so you wouldn't wake up with a headache from getting punched. Shut the fuck up and tell your jokes. You'll get em back." So I still gotta stop being so tied up. But at the same time. I still don't have enough great material to feel like I can just jump in and jump out anywhere I'd like.

So then I'm having this dialogue and all these random thoughts, trying to tell some jokes, remember the set list. I think the audience can smell it. So it is what it is. Tonight was pretty good though. I was happy with it. In a way. Don't get me wrong. I'm still always looking for that next level. but I've got to stop comparing myself to guys that are years ahead of me on stage time.

Speaking of some of those guys. I got this great email on facebook the other day. I was speechless. I'll try to stay away from naming names. but a big Seattle (and international) comic, previous winner of the SICC, you get the idea. Big fuckin deal. Emailed me and told me that "Very very few comics have had your drive and energy at this." He went on to say I've impressed him and that he knows I will be a success and "You will do great things."

What do you say back to that? Shit made my ~~day~~ Life! First off, I didn't even know guys like that were paying attention to me. I mean. Honestly. I've hidden half the comics on facebook who added me as a friend. Most of them I just don't care for or care about or they don't affect me or know me or reach out or they're just on some bullshit anyway. But I've tried to just work hard and be kind and not try to be loud about it. Sometimes I feel like I see other people get opportunities I want and I'm jealous about and I'm workin on keepin that in control. But that kinda shit makes me feel like when the time is right, things will happen.

That's what my dad and I talked about a little bit the other week. I was on some shit like "Do you know if you can get me an audition for LCS? My friend got one, I really think I could get on and it would be awesome experience." and he said "I'll get you one when I think you can win." Lol. good ol dad. Blessing in disguise sometimes. He keeps me in check hardcore. I swear we would be twin brothers sometimes we're too alike. The best way to describe it, is those high school football dads in texas in the movies that like beat their kids for an interception. lol. My dad's like that for comedy without the beatings.

I know he's super proud, but he's always pushing and very critical. Sometimes I'm like damn, cant I just get a hug and a good job? lol. But I'm always super critical and pushing myself too. Today we had about an hour long conversation on the couch because I'm getting too busy for him now, which is odd. lol. He called me lazy if I only write an hour a day. I was like you know how many people I know with the same god damn act since I started a year ago? I write PLENTY - he says "If it doesn't hurt, you're not doing it right."

All in all it makes sense. I was just thinkin about that today. I'm spending about 3 hours a day at the gym right now when I'm not on the road, when I've been on the road I've been spending a couple hours a day writing. Some days I feel it more than others ya know? I do have a lot of stuff. I've always got a backlog of newer shit that I want to sprinkle in my longer sets that I haven't had time to open mic. but I should write more.

Anyway. More on that conversation later. I'm tired as hell. I got to get up early for radio, and then I'm driving to vancouver to catch a ride to some gig in Oregon and then riding to Nevada for some gig and then back up to Milton for the weekend. then I've got a much calmer schedule after that which I need to fill in.

I think I'm at 274 shows right now since April 17th last year which is when I started keeping track. My goal is 300 by this April 17th. I gotta double up some days, because I know there's not enough days left but that's exciting. I should have had it, but there was a period where I had just stopped going to Giggles, and it cut my stage time per week almost in half for a while until I started figuring out the other places to get up. So my goal for that next year will be 350 shows! I want to do 365, but we'll see what happens.

Gym Stuff / More 12 year old Jokes

2010-03-22T19:00:00.000-07:00

You guys are looking at me like, uh, is he old enough to be in here?

Yeah. I'm 24, but I still get carded for PG-13 movies. Now it sounds horrible, but there's advantages to looking young. Cheaper tickets and Bath time with the babysitter is a lot more fun than it used to be. I've tried different things to look older. I tried growing my facial hair out one time, but that doesn't work. See, it just comes in all patchy like, 2 or 3 hairs at a time. I look like a 12 year old and a sex offender at the same time. Control yourselves ladies. It's bad. My girlfriend has more facial hair than me. Yeah which is weird. Because I KNOW she knows how to shave. *points down* I had to tell her, look either use the razor for your face, or wear your jeans on your head.

So ... I'm single.

I've been going to the gym a lot lately. That's right ladies. *This* Doesn't come Stock. Hot, isn't it? I'm like a sunburn away from being adopted by Brad and Angelina. So I'm trying to bulk up a little bit. But the gym is annoying. It's always busy. People are so rude. I was running on the treadmill and all of a sudden this 80 year old guy with a back brace comes up to me to ask if I'm doing ok. Like he was genuinely concerned for me. He thought I was going to die before he was going to die. So I ignore him and I go lift weights on the bench press. Inbetween reps I'm sitting there. This guy comes up again. Takes the weights right off the bar. and puts them on his bar. I'm like it's bad enough I got smokers laughing at me while I'm on the treadmill. Now Benjamin Button is trying to outsquat me.

So I'm like you know what. I'm not gonna stand for this. I walked over and in the middle of him lifting. I took the weights off and put them back on my bar...... And then I found out why he lifts more weights than I do.

After The Movies — The best movie reviews on the planet!

2010-03-22T17:43:00.000-07:00

After The Movies — The best movie reviews on the planet!

Shout out to Jay and Phil. Funny guys. This is the first episode right here. Keep checking back, looks like they're posting something new on a regular basis.

Well...

2010-03-19T00:50:00.000-07:00

I lived up to my fan page tonight.

That doesn't feel good.

If anyone was at my show tonight. Feel free to join the page below.

Andrew Rivers Should Quit

Promote Your Page Too

I Love Clubbin Baby Seals

2010-03-18T18:08:00.000-07:00

Funniest Picture Ever!

I Hate Facebook

2010-03-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

Seriously. I'm addicted to it. But as a whole, I think it's made our society less social. We just vent, or go there and feel like we caught up on all of our friends lives. Nobody calls anybody anymore. Or maybe nobody calls me anymore. I dunno.

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Don't you hate looking at facebook, and a girl you like makes a post like "I guess I'm going to be single forever." and you're like HEY! Im RIGHT HERE. What the hell? I'm a nice enough guy, I know I made out with your friend but that was ONE TIME. I was drinking....

I don't ever want to hear a girl complain about not finding the right guy. Especially if she's cute. There's a million guys for every hot girl. It's like a dating recession. That's like Microsoft complaining about how they can't find the right employee. You should have people lining up at your door with a resume and a letter of recommendation from their previous three girlfriends.

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I feel like there should be another 5 minutes added to this already, but it just isn't flowing to me yet. I generally start with something small and then add to it. I'm trying to think of all the job applying analogies but it's been so long since I've had a real job or an interview, I feel out of touch. :P

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Edit: Just thought of a different phrasing for a recent joke that didn't work as well as I wanted.

She's in love with this basketball player and I know I'm not tall, dark and handsome or have big muscles. And honestly, Handsome I can't do anything about. but I've been working out, and I have a black magic marker.

I Love Seattle

2010-03-16T10:33:00.000-07:00

Now look. I've only been a few places that compare so far. I'm not comparing North Dakota or Montana to Seattle. But I can officially say it's not a fluke. Cities like LA, Denver, and Chicago that I've been so far.... SUCK BALLS. For starting comedy.

Allow me to explain.

In Seattle the clubs have open mics. Every Monday there's the underground, Tuesday is Laughs, and thursday& Sunday is Giggles (for now). In between that, there's everyone's self produced show, there's random one nighters. You can do a set EVERY NIGHT with audience members. Denver had one open mic at a real club a week. Sometimes two. The rest was crappy bars. Half the people are rapping, if there's audience members they aren't paying attention to shit and they didn't know there was comedy night going on.

in Chicago it's worse. We got here Sunday and "word on the street" is Sunday night at this bar was the Best Open Mic in town. I got excited. We got there, signed up like 30th on the list. I started looking around. There's nothing here. They open the doors and everyone shuffles up to the attic. Dimly lit attic. A Spotlight in one corner with a Mic and a PA system, a Bar and tables. 100% comics. 0 Audience.

This is where I explain why that's so horrible to people who don't know anything about comedy. Comedians are jaded. Bitter fucks. We are the worst audience members. All we're thinking is about our own bits and getting ready for our turn. 90% of the time we will go home within a few minutes of our set being done. Or head to another open mic. We don't care.

Obviously going up 30th, it's been two hours, everyone left is either tired or still waiting to get on. Oh and they're also comedians. It takes a lot to get the average comedian to react to your bit.

The next night we went to the next best open mic that everyone the day before told us about. Again 100% comics and we were 34th and 35th in line. I decided I didn't want to sit through all 2 hours again. So I went for a walk down the street and around the corner thinking about life.

Seattle is in such a tough position. We're on the corner of the country. Segregated from everything. Unless you want to do Tribble Runs you're whole life. You've got to move. But first you've got to become a great comic. Where do you draw the line between a HUGE challenge like living in chicago and doing those for open mics and being too scared to leave the nest of Seattle. Chicago is so much closer to EVERYTHING. So much less money goes into getting where you need to go. Until you're a huge headliner, you can't afford to fly everywhere. But when you're in the middle. You can't do that. But how do you get out of the middle? by working everywhere. It's this huge catch 22. I guess Adam will fill in the details in the coming months.

Minneapolis seemed to have a great open mic scene from the few hours I was there looking around. Lots of clubs. Pretty decent location. I just don't know how you deal with all that god damned snow. Almost like that would be an intermediate between Seattle and Chicago. But then again the point of moving to Chicago is to work. Not do open mics. But all these kids at open mic have no idea they can advance soooooooo much faster in Seattle. This IS open mic to them. Will they be better for it later? I don't know. Really got me thinking.

I've got to get ready for the day. But I will continue this blog sometime soon.

All I know is I don't ever want to take Seattle for Granted again. and you shouldn't either. LOOK AT WHAT YOUVE GOT PEOPLE! Take advantage. Use it. Go to a show every day, because YOU CAN! lol. Now I feel like I'm talking about Africa. SOME KIDS DONT HAVE WATER. but it's crazy. Mind blowing. I love Seattle. I love traveling and seeing the world. But I love coming back.

I fly back tonight. Who wants to pick me up at the airport? :D

Tour Blog - Round 2

2010-03-15T23:19:00.000-07:00

I know some people who read this are actually comedians in Seattle. Some of them friends, some of you probably haven't told me you read it, some of you are probably just regular fans, friends or whatever. This isn't going to be that fascinating to you. Probably. It might be. but I can't promise that. I wanted to write this. That blog will be next.

First off to keep the regular fans and friends happy. The trip has been interesting and fun. Adam is an AMAZING writer. We also have a great connection where we think very similar. Neither of us likes to go very dirty, we both like to be clever and have the same sense of what is a little overdone or hacky. We also push each other to do better.

He's been doing comedy for almost 5 years now. So I'm not going to lie. He mostly comes up with better stuff than I do. But I add something of value once in a while. The other important thing we provide for each other is banter. Sometimes he'll give me a premise. He'll tell me his ideas. Which makes me come up with a few ideas. Those new ideas give him new ideas. Etc etc... Sometimes I'll throw out a topic with a few ideas. He'll add ideas and then we move on. Usually we end on his ideas being the funniest and move on to a new topic. :)

Anyway - As for the road shows. I don't have any video because my camera was stolen in montana. Which blows. So now I have to get one when I get back. If anyone has any good idea on which one to go with. Holla at me. I think I'm going to stay away from the flips. It feels too trendy. *shrug* just me.

Anyway - The first show was like 20-30 people and they were REALLY drunk. So I didn't get through 3/4's of my planned material in about 40 minutes. By that time I just got off stage so Adam could finish off the show. The next show had like 2 people. Plus a hot bartender. The next show was ok. Another 20 or so people. The next show was in Plaza, ND which has a population of 167. The bar owner got the date of the show wrong, so we were about to wait a day, but a few days before Adam and I emailed a club in Minneapolis to see if we could do some guest sets on a Saturday. They emailed back just then and said yes. So we worked out a deal where we did the show that night and gave him a discount.

We got to Minneapolis and the club owner emailed us back and said that his MC for the night canceled and one of us could MC for a few bucks. So we did that, which was dope because that basically paid for our hotel that night. We briefly visited the Mall of America for 30 minutes. Minneapolis seemed to have a great scene. More on that in a few.

We did the guest sets and they went well. Then we took off for Chicago and now we're here. Did an open mic (more on that in the next blog).

Now I'm ready to fly home. I've got 9 more feature sets lined up for the rest of the month. I'm re-energized and excited to take full advantage of Seattle.

Now for the comic blog.

Under Construction

2010-03-10T18:47:00.000-08:00

Some new bits I'm working on at various stages of completion.

I used to get beat up a lot in high school, because of how I look. If you think I look young now, you should have seen me when I was actually 12. I was the only kid in middle school who still had his umbilical cord. Some kids were starting to get peach fuzz, I was still covered in placenta.

Because everyone was bigger than me, when they chased me in the hallway, I used to pretend I was a contestant on that TV show American Gladiators. Plus they could only chase me between classes because I was a freshman so there was a time limit. It was just a big game to me. The only difference was I didn't have any pads, so I had to use a jockstrap as my helmet and on American Gladiators the guys never had to fight girls twice their size.

---

Hooters of Colorado Super Bowl Sunday

There was a guy who proposed to his girlfriend and she said yes. Which blows my mind. This guy pulled a trifecta. He got his girlfriend to come with him to Hooters, to watch the Super Bowl, and she said yes. He needs to write a book! I could understand maybe hitting on a waitress, they have low self esteem anyway, but you got an outside girl to marry you, IN hooters?

---

Hooters aficionado. Some people are gifted with wine. They can take a sip of wine and tell you everything you need to know. With one good squeeze, I can tell you everything you need to know about a womans breasts. Someone try me.

Those are nice.

I said everything you need to know. What else do you need to know. They're there. They're nice. They'll do.

---

D'Angelo $40 Hooker Busted in Range Rover

I hope he goes to jail, so when he gets out, people ask him how does it feel.

My Dad & I Go at it

2010-03-10T00:53:00.000-08:00

This all started because a story about "Lil Wayne" came up and of course if I'm there and there's a chance to make fun of Rap Music. I'm the prime suspect. I love how he starts to lose an argument and changes topics. I'm figuring out his ways now. He saw I wasn't going into any traps on his rap tirade, and let him have his fun. So then he pulls this whole relationship topic out of nowhere.

Here's the official explanation so I never have to go at it again:

I've been single for a long time. For many reasons. Some good. Some bad. Not always at the same time. I've been in some committed relationships since then but only one that was official enough to introduce to the parents. I thought for the longest time, I was doing them a favor not introducing them to all my random girls that flame out and one night love affairs. This has made my parents think I'm uncapable or gay. Seriously. Far from gay. Just FYI. Nothing wrong with it though. 4 Balls!

Let's just examine some things holding me back. I've made some bad choices with girls. I was into one girl for a short period, but she partied all the time. Way too much for me. (this is the girl in the 8 ball story). Since then, I've had a few quick affairs (nothing with all 4 bases, or seriously close) and just kept a move on and of course I've always got a field of prospects but you don't call them up to the big leagues before they're ready.

but most important of all. 100% of my time is focused on comedy. As it should be. I'm not going to let it go because of some girl or a potential girl. They need to understand that. Not a lot of relationships work out in the entertainment business for that reason. You need to be fully committed to this. She's going to want you to take nights off. I've talked with other comedians. So far nobody in my book has written "Don't get into relationships" but I see it from afar to know it has to be the right situation. If that takes another 5 years. Fine. No need to settle for anything now. I'm young, I have my vitality, and I'll just keep the book of Eli in my nightstand because I don't like condoms.

:) This probably just creates more questions than it answers but whatever. It justifies it in my head. Oh well.

Trip is good so far. I probably did 40-45 tonight with so much crowd work. I kept getting sidetracked and not on material. I just kept talking to random people. I had a pretty good running gag where some lady made fun of me, I told her I wasn't into chicks with hairy armpits and that her and her lesbian lover can go find something else to do if they didn't want to listen to my comedy. She ended up trying to show me she shaved her pits. But it was fun to be able to get off track and just go with the flow.

I'm still struggling about how to relate a lot of my "Big City" jokes to small ass towns in Montana. I guess they're big city. I don't know. It's fun out here, I still say I'd much rather prefer clubs in a big city. Now that I'll be featuring some more locally, hopefully the work stays up. These trips are all about new experiences, and just getting out of the normal routine. Sadly I don't get to keep eating as healthy as I want to and work out a bunch every day. I hate getting off track from goals, but hey. Money is money.

Anyway. Someone stole my camera tonight. (really?) So no videos likely to come of this trip unless it pops up in the next day or two. I guess we'll find out.

Also. I'm in the market for a FAKE girlfriend. Benefits CAN include (but don't necessarily HAVE to) sex with me (if you so desire) fun family trips to exotic locations, and more. Drawbacks can include spending time with my or my family. Being talked about on the radio all the time. Requirements are just to dress cute, speak well, and be somewhat presentable to parents and pretend you actually like me for me. Put up with all that, and this lifestyle could be yours. ^ ^

30 minutes (of blogging. RAMBLE ALERT)

2010-03-06T01:39:00.000-08:00

So I did Tyee tonight. Really tight crowd for me. Which, honestly, was sort of expected after taking a long time in between features and not as much stage time as I'm used to lately. Even on the big laugh parts, they shut up pretty quickly. I tried to not lose my composure on the silences but I did forget my set once. Which is my goal in a 30. I give myself a limit of 1 sneak peek. I practiced the first 10 minutes about 7 or 8 times all day too because it was mostly newer material, and I wasn't sure how to transition from it.

It was just all over the place. There was a few times one side set off a chain reaction to the other and there was a few times where they kept re-laughing at the joke because I sat and waited. There was a few times where I got little to no reaction. There was a few times I got big huge applause breaks before I even tagged the joke. I must say the majority of the good came in the last 20 minutes although that whole world vision parking spot joke sometimes flies over lots of people. *smh*

Once I got past the opening ten I felt like the Yankees Batting order was coming up and mentally said to myself. "Oh good. Everything here on out is proven solid. This will be the fun part." Which maybe is all it takes to make it fun. but that whole Roofies and a black magic marker joke just might not be as funny to anyone else as it is to me. I'm not ready to give up on it yet. It's worked pretty well at 1 show and had a moderate responses at the other 2. That's the thing. Stage time is killing me right now. I write too much. lol. Who needs jokes? Jokes for sale! I need to have a friend who can go up at open mic and try my new material too. Double my stage time for newer bits.

I'm concerned about conflicting stories in the gym bit. My benjamin button joke usually works pretty well. And whenever I've done my handicap spots at the gym joke it's always been in shorter sets separately without benjamin button. So if I talk about how there's never anybody using handicap spots at the gym but I have a story about some 80 year old dude with a backbrace concerned I would die before him. That feels like there should be some sort of callback or reference or acknowledgment.

Ugh. Now I'm over analyzing everything. That's annoying. Look. It went really well. Ron Osbourne (normally headlines!) happened to be in town and opened up the show. He even had a few things that didn't get the response they deserved. Although I had to run out the door to attempt to meet Jeff Foxworthy and Bill Engvall and Larry The Cable Guy (more on the fail later if you really care) and try to sell my Are you Smarter than a Hooters girl bit for a joke and a tv show and retire to a private island. lol. Morgan was getting the great responses he should. Maybe they just wanted dirtier? Maybe they were just warmed up finally?

Both Morgan and Ron told me I had a bunch of great material and it was a tight audience.

Anyway, I'm excited I get to "fix" everything tomorrow and hopefully I'll upload that one to my vimeo account which is my longer set account. but I'm going to be hiding all the other videos except the most recent one. So friend me on there if you want unlimited access I guess and track my progress or whatever.

That's a great thing about real gigs and gigs where I'm stretching a little. I can go back out and work out these new things. 30 minutes at a time is soooo much more valuable than 3. I can hit EVERYTHING I want to at once. I don't have to try and cherry pick jokes to set up and everything like that. Plus I think CJ touched on this briefly. The adaptability inbetween each show is huge. I haven't been able to work out my 30 minutes for like a month or two. Also I should post a calender soon too.

I had one for a while since I was starting to get busy over the summer, I was getting up at giggles, laughs and the parlor all at the same time and I could actually have gigs posted in advance. Then all of a sudden shit hit the fan between all of them. So then the parlor stopped having me in and then Giggles stopped having me. Then Laughs was my only weekend option for a while. Which Dave graciously gave me lots of stage time.

I didn't know if I would make it. Then once I got Hooters in October I started seeing boobs every week. My life was happier. But also comics started noticing me because I had the chance to make them money. Then I started getting gigs and different things happening. Contacts, connections. Now... I'm not fully independant from unemployment but I'm about 2/5ths of the way there?

That's closer than 0/10th the way there I was when I got laid off. Looks like the train is on the right track after all. :D

goodnight.

Keith Rivers

2010-03-05T17:57:00.000-08:00

The often overlooked, slightly less publicized on the radio son of Bob Rivers. He's making amazing movies.

Check out this Pepsi commercial. He won 1st place and a trip to Barcelona, Spain.

"A Dollar Well Spent" (1st place) from Keith Rivers on Vimeo.

badass. Even more badass is his short film that is featured on some cool website. It must be important. ->http://www.thedoorpost.com/hope/thirst/<--

The film is called thirst. It's just badass. and I don't say that about his films very often. Cuz most of them suck. haha. just kidding. But really. Usually they're all emo-ey and you're like aww, but not that one. My mascara only ran because I was crying from laughter.

Just wanted to shed some light on his cool projects for once instead of mine.

I'll be featuring at Tyee Event Center in Tumwater tonight and then Clarks Sports Grill in Yelm Tomorrow. I'm nervous and excited, since it's my first local feature spot, which means if I fuck it up everyone in town will hear about it. lol. As oppossed to Montana where I can say whatever I want. lol. Although I actually did well in Montana and all those states, I wasn't jsut saying that. Wish me luck. Laters

Learning Humility

2010-03-05T02:45:00.000-08:00

Around new years I forgot to post I think a very important thing Gabriel Rutledge was talking about to me about how people reacted to his Live at Gotham special. I'll have to paraphrase the quote but I think it's close. He said "Some people that started before you are going to pass you, and you're going to pass some people who started before you. It's just going to happen. There's nothing you can do about it."

While without sounding like a pompous dick, I don't think anyone has quite passed me yet, although it's only been a year so give it time. But I think everyone has an idea in their head of their own status on the "totem pole" if you will.

Your "Opinion Totem Pole" - Who you personally think is funny. Who you can't for the life of you imagine why some people give so much stage time to, especially over yourself. I think the same rule could be applied. Someone who you think sucks, is going to get certain things you can't imagine why. And you know what. Someone out there probably thinks that about me. *shrug* So I guess we're even. hah.

I found out some cool news a comedian got and for a few minutes I was a little jealous I didn't get an opportunity like that. The more I thought about it, I decided doesn't matter. Hard as it is to swallow. It's not up to me. My job is to 'work hard and be kind.' and let the rest of the world do it's job. I'm getting paid on a regular basis, which was my goal by year 1. I didn't really have a specific date in mind but it feels right to happen now. The point is, I've got NOTHING to complain about. I should be happy for everyone who can make their own dream come true too.

That's not to say I'm perfect. I have terrible opinions of certain people. I just do my best to keep them on the inside. My suggestion is to have a friend who usually agrees with you to vent to. lol. I call Susan or Adam about stuff and vica versa.

Flashback - October 2008

2010-03-04T02:29:00.000-08:00

Present Day. I pop in an old mixtape cd I haven't listened to in a few months. I don't know why. I just am not in the mood to listen to anything I have on. All of a sudden. This old song comes on. The song is from 2001 but it happened to be attached to some interesting memories. They all came flooding back. It's crazy to me how we tie emotions and memories to something as simple as a song. There might be a point in all of this somewhere that relates to comedy if I can scramble something together.

Flashback. October 2008.

I was living in West Seattle. Partying almost every day. Drinking a lot. Plenty of money. I had a nice job promotion that I worked pretty hard for. I was celebrating my success. Nice apartment. Living with a couple friends. We had our issues but we mostly bitched about who was too loud and girl drama. Stuff that seems big, but you look back and you go, what a waste of time.

One day. Monday. My roomate texts me at work. He just got fired. The next day. I get an email at work. "Check in meeting 3:30pm"

I don't know how I knew. but i just thought. Aw fuck. I'm cooked. I don't know what I did. but I'm fired for something. I may not have been as productive as I could have been the last month, but there wasn't a lot of work to be done. So I was just goofing off all day on the internet and doing some work here and there. Which sounds terrible right? Whatever. I start texting my roommate. I email my parents. I don't know. Everyone just knew. I got a bunch of 'good luck' emails and texts. I go in to the meeting. They tell me they have to lay me off because there's not enough work.

I'm thinkin. Damn. I don't know what to think. At first I was crushed. But I was like it's all good. I have pretty nice resume. I'll have a new job in no time. Of course I didn't see the collapse of the economy right around the corner and I was at the front of it. Meanwhile my boss (who to this day, I wish I kept in contact with, because he was a really cool guy.) is telling me all this stuff about how I should use this as an opportunity to do something I've always wanted to do. You know, I didn't wanna hear any of that. I'm just nodding like can I go home and cry yet?

I get back to my desk. Start packing up the few things I have laying around. Making copies of files on the computer I need. Deleting things I don't. I text my roomate. I still remember seeing the text message. "OH MY STARZ!"

Damn. What a Low.

I got home. Beat traffic since I left work early. His room was right next to mine. but He was waiting at the top of the stairs. He just gave me a big hug. People look at that like it's on some gay shit, I hug my good friends all the time. So get over your own insecurities. Man. I pulled away. I just sat there. He was laughin a little bit. He's like "Man this is a crazy ass week already" (it's tuesday). I'm still kinda speechless. Shakin my head. He starts laughing hard again. He puts his hand out. So I take his hand he starts shakin my hand, giving me dap and dancing around. He starts singing this song.

"We. Gone. Make. It." Just repeating the lines over and over again. When you play the song and actually listen to the lyrics in retrospect. It's not all that inspirational. I would have chosen something that doesn't talk about Cocaine dealing. lol. but it was a spur of the moment thing I guess. He went in his room started blasting the song. The next hour we were dancing around. Rapping and Singing. It was a fun time.

Back to Real life.
Now I'm not saying an hour after losing my job, I was back on the horse. but for that couple minutes. I felt really good. It was the perfect thing anyone could have done. The next day I spent my last paycheck on some stuff for my car that I had pre ordered. I started down my life of unemployment (and comedy eventually.)

Now onto some sort of point to make this worth a read.

Kyle Cease talks about this all the time. This is again why I talk about him all the time. He's on some "Next Level" shit sometimes. It sounds crazy from the outside, but once you drink the kool-aid. It's a whole new world, man.

Sometimes you associate a bad show with your joke, or the room, or whatever. (see where I'm going with this?) You probably can't stop that from happening. Sometimes you have to fight through it. Convince yourself otherwise. Don't let it stop you from doing something.

Look. I'm not eloquent. lol. That's why you ~~read~~ my blog for free, and I'm not a motivational speaker.

Bob Rivers - My Toyota

2010-03-04T01:46:00.000-08:00

Look. I don't like to brag. but let's face it. My family is talented. My dad comes through with another genius twisted tune song parody. Super funny. Suck on that, Weird Al.

If life were prefect, I'd have no jokes

2010-03-03T11:18:00.000-08:00

This is a new minute or two I've been working on the last few days.

Dating is tough. I was seeing this new girl. Things were going great right up until around Valentines day. I was trying to find the perfect gift. But I had NO IDEA where to score an eightball. So I get her a rose and write her a nice poem. Then I find out that she only likes black guys with big ... Muscles. So I'm screwed. I can't compete with that. Long and Dark, remember? My only plan is buy some roofies and a black magic marker.

(That's a muscle joke... Draw muscles... That's not a black joke, don't kill me. lol)

I'm still not sure whether I want to keep it as just one girl or tell it exactly like it is as two different girls.

Anyway, an update on the gym bit. I haven't gotten the Valet stand to work out yet but I haven't had tons of stage time and I'm just keeping it tight for now.

My gym is really weird. They have a bunch of handicap parking spots in the front. Which makes no sense to me. Is a guy in a wheelchair really going to 24 hour fitness to work out? The spots are always empty. I could be parking there. It pisses me off. You know what a guy in a wheelchair has to do to work out? Find a hill!

Right next to the handicap spots there's a bike rack. Which is just insulting if you ask me. Guys pulling in on their bikes like "Hey, look what I can do with my legs!" *Guy in wheelchair flips him off.* I mean unless it doubles as a wheelchair rack, it makes no sense. Who bikes to the gym anyway. Why would you bike, why would you excersize on your way to go excersize. What do you do when you get there? Turn around? That makes no sense. That's like masturbating before you get to the playboy mansion.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Andrew. That sounds like a good idea. If I'm going to the playboy mansion. I better masturbate so I don't cum too soon." Yes. but let's be honest about where we are right now. If any of us ever gets to the playboy mansion, we're probably not getting laid. So what I'm saying is. Why look it up on the internet when you have the real thing right there. Masturbate AT the playboy mansion. You probably weren't getting invited back anyway.

*This last part of the bit is all dependent on anyone in the audience not being Jeff Dye.*

Travis Simmons

2010-02-27T11:36:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the lack of updates. Nothing to share really.

Guess I just took another four day run with Adam this time. Because he's moving to chicago, that's where we're going to end up I guess. The guys who are my bosses for Hooters are based out of there too, so maybe I'll make a connection and get in at some club out there. That would be nice.

Bootcamp was cool. I could talk forever about that. I suppose it deserves it's own post.

I've been focusing too much time on girls. Sometimes I want a relationship or like a regular chick that will put up with me. Because I end up focusing a lot of time towards girls when I could spend time writing or whatever. but also I understand I'm not good for relationship type things. I'm not good at people's feelings. I don't take many things seriously. I don't like petty arguments. I speak without thinking pretty often. But sometimes it gets lonely at night. The thing is I spent 99% of my time doing comedy. So it's ... hard for girls to feel like I'm actually committed to her. Bah. Moving on.

Anyway. New Podcast started by Jesse Case http://thelastresort.comedypodcast.com/. I'm a big fan of Jesse. So check that out sometime.

Working Out

2010-02-16T19:19:00.000-08:00

I've been writing lots of stuff on the gym. Recently I switched gyms. It's given me plenty of material to talk about. This is just the more recent bits I wanted to write out. I have to go back and incorporate the older gym stories and think of callbacks and ordering later.

Ive been working out a lot lately. That's right ladies. *This* (Flexing) doesn't come stock. One of the reasons I started working out is that I heard that one of the benefits to working out, is a stronger erection. Now. I never had a problem with that before hand, but that just sounds awesome. A stronger erection to me, sounds like the perfect excuse to never wear a condom again. Honey, I would. but it's too strong. I call him the beast for a reason. You know he rips those things like hulk rips t-shirts. We've even got the same haircut?? lol. It hasn't worked out like I hoped, chicks dig the size, but not the veins. So. Steroids were a bad idea.

The gym I'm at is interesting. One thing I don't understand is why are there handicap parking spots at the gym? Seriously, everytime I'm there the spots are empty. Is a guy in a wheelchair really gonna come to 24 hour fitness to work out? That's stupid. You know what a guy in a wheelchair has to do to work out? Find a hill. The gym, has Valet parking. Which I don't understand. You really can't walk across the parking lot? The Valet stand is right next to a bike rack. Which doesn't make any sense. Who bikes to the gym? and what do you do when you get there? Turn around? The Bike Rack is right next to the handicap parking spots. Now that's offensive. The bikers are rubbing it in? "Hey! Look what I can do with my legs!". Unless it's a wheelchair rack also, then that would make sense.

-

Now I have no idea how to break it all up. It just feels like one long annoying thing. But it's the start of something real funny if I can work it out.

Long Time No Blog

2010-02-14T23:00:00.001-08:00

Wow. Have I ever gone almost a week without blogging? That's nuts.

Happy V Day folks. I did two shows tonight up at Laughs in Kirkland. Early show at 6 was odd. but the late show went well. Speaking of V-Day. I'm not neccessarily the most qualified person to tell anybody else how to do well with a woman, but I like this advice I saw today on twitter.

"RevRunWisdom - Fellas:: With women the little things are the BIG things.. (true story) focus"

I thought that makes sense. I think I've heard that somewhere before. I try to be creative. Today I wrote a fun poem and had someone deliver it with a rose to my "Boo" at work. Lol. I was proud of myself.

Dear "(Name Removed)"
You're pretty face, doesn't match your nasty attitude
but I still wrote a poem just for you
Roses are red, Violets are Blue
If I had to run a train,
I'd choo choo choose you
You're in the running for my heart, and leading the race
but I still need you, to put that bag on your face
Happy Valentines Day
Love Anonymous

Why would anyone love me? lol. Anyway. Moving on. Yesterday. In fact FRIDAY AND SATURDAY. I did the highlight of my short career. I got to do some crowd warmup (basically a 10 minute MC opening set.) I guess they just call it warmup when it's not like a stand up show. *shrug* I'm not down with the lingo.

There's that. I was proud. I neutralized the heckler. I just about shit my pants when The Rush Limbaugh joke didn't work at all. (later on my dad laughed and said, "It's glenn beck country up here.) I had no idea what to do. That was gonna be my closer. So I just went to one of Susan's jokes about Montana while I was on the topic. Looking back there was a million different things I shoulda and coulda done. But hey. That's why you play the game.

You wanna know what's odd. Going from 300 people in a room and killing, to doing a show for 30 people. Even if you do really well, the reaction is just so different. It's not a wave, and an applause break. but I'm still impressed with how I handled tonights shows too. Overall just the timing of everything is getting better. I'm waiting. I'm comfortable with the silence. Even I'm impressed with how calm I APPEAR when the Rush joke bombs. If I could go back and describe what was going through my head it would look like Dave Dennisons Twitter:

ew'oihgshpigha
ahfaighfa
absfgaisghf
I like Pills
aifhapsfha

HAHA! That's sort of an inside joke. It also doubles as Stevie Wonder's twitter.

I love Dave. Everyone knows that. Hopefully he doesn't mind if I poke fun at him on my blog. Who reads this anyways? Every time someone tells me, or I hear that someone reads this blog on purpose. I feel like I should apologize. I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone outside my head.

What else do I need to blog about. I dunno. I'm very happy. Happier than I can remember being in years. I feel like a kid again. Although I still have credit card debt over my head and bills to pay. Which sucks but hey, I'm working my way out of it.

Tonights headliner Ryan Hamilton was super funny. Very Clean too. Its been a while since I watched or noticed a comic who was 100% clean. And he was VERY funny to boot. I think one of his jokes about online dating didn't get the credit with the laughter it deserved. Something about browsing through profiles "oh. she likes the outdoors too. Everyone on the internet loves the outdoors." Really freaking clever.

Oh and as happy as I am. I still have this. THING. I can't get off me. I have so much material I've written in the past few weeks. Even doing 30 minutes I didn't get time to bring it out. I haven't had time to open mic it because I want to work on other things. If I had one wish I would wish to have about 3 more wishes. But then I'd wish for like a week straight of just half hour sets at an open mic where I could bring my notebook on stage and go through all the nutty shit I've thought up but haven't gotten around to doing.

Because most of it is little tags or add ons or extra things on certain subjects, but at complete different ends of the spectrum. Like I have a bunch of things I want to try on this Gym bit, but today I had stuff I wanted to try on the bum bit, and the hallmark bit and the south dakota stuff. And half of what I feel like is my problem is I feel limited in my sets, I feel like they should always be in a specific order. I don't want to go on stage, no segues and just ramble from topic to topic. Trying different things. Partly because sometimes according to what jokes I'm doing, I'm either single or taken or been single for a long time or just recently broken up with. I don't feel confident enough to keep track of where I'm going just yet. Maybe this will be one thing that forces me out of that safety shell.

Its cool to be at a point where I'm like I don't know what to choose to work on at open mic. I can re write and practice it out loud all day long but there's no way to simulate a stage and an audience reaction. That's why you play the game I guess.

Otherwise we'd all be on the street corner with Las Vegas ~~best~~ WORST Comedian.

Another weird thing. I have SPECIFIC memories of Middle School Health Class. The teacher would reward us for good behavior by watching an episode once a month of Whose Line is it Anyway. She also rewarded us for good behavior with an hour nap. Which is a whole other bit waiting to be written.

I remember with my friends watching that show. I remember with my last girlfriend laying in bed late at night flipping through channels. (another bit waiting to be written) and one of the ONLY things she wanted to ever watch BESIDES Family Guy, animal planet or like the surgery channel. Was whose line is it anyway. (Unfortunately for me, she had a day job, so there was never any afternoon quickies going on, and she had a bigger bed, so it was always happening in her room, at night, with the TV on. Surgery Channel or Animal Planet or something that makes it really difficult to keep an erection.)

I think we got off track. But the feeling to PERFORM for those guys. I GREW UP WATCHING THEM. In MIDDLE SCHOOL. They were telling stories about Hash with Tom Rhodes in Amsterdam in the Green Room. I've never seen Hash. lol. It was soooooo COOL. I want to try has just to be cool like them. Obviously I'm kidding. I do it for my own reasons. zing. no. I don't know. Like It was one thing to Meet Bill Burr, grab a picture and chat for 5 minutes. Bill was the first "Comedian" besides Chris Rock or Jay Leno (ya know, someone UBER FAMOUS that you can't turn on the TV without seeing.) that I ever watched on TV and REALLY REALLY LIKED. It's another thing to PERFORM for some other guys. I don't know. I'm rambling. I'm probably blushing. Im starting to snore and I'm awake. I never would have guessed performing comedy gets exhausting. I'm also working out a lot more every day than I used to. So it helps me get rid of all this energy I normally have.

Anyway. Hope someone enjoyed another 18 hour long read about me. My favorite topic. Goodnight folks. See ya on the flipside.

Also. It's so good to be home. I'm excited to go out on the road again, but not TOO excited. More on those stories later.

Stories from the Road

2010-02-11T00:20:00.000-08:00

McDonalds in Idaho - Free WiFi

2010-02-09T15:58:00.000-08:00

Haven't had an opportunity to blog much. Nothing to write really. No internet either. Here's something to hold you over I guess until I get home tomorrow and get back to writing about nothing because I'm bored.

My dad sent my newest video (the one from Comedy Works on Youtube.Com/andrewjrivers) to a friend.

He wrote back:

"OMG! The confidence and maturity leap can only be compared to that of a giggling teenage girl in the back seat blossoming into a glistening stripper working the pole like it's a jackhammer."

The greatest feeling is having someone believe in you. I can't put it into words. It sounds stupid but when you're in a negative environment most of your career where people insult you all day, you start to believe them. To have people tell you "You're gonna make it." and mean it. You start to believe it too. The road has inspired me x 100. Great people everywhere. but I'm ready to get home after 3 weeks and show everyone what I've learned. I've also written like 30 different notes of ideas in my phone which are things to follow up and sort out when I get home. Little tweaks and tags and funny things to think about.

Anyway, here's a reminder to something I think I want to blog about next time. Susan said something in the car about my 4 balls law joke. She said she thinks it will get stolen soon. I was trying to imagine how I would react to that. Angry? Flattered? Both. Hmm. Whatever.

Tonight we're doing comedy in a YURT in Idaho.

"Yurt"

Wish me luck. See you in Seattle soon.

Life

2010-02-06T08:36:00.000-08:00

By the way, I had a lot of fun doing sets out in Denver, and I have a huge list of little ticky tacky things I'm hoping to improve on with that 10 minutes. Almost none of it with the actual punchline but just particular words here and there and my reactions to crowd response. A part of me wants to stay at Wits End all weekend and do the other 4 shows so I can get even better.

But another part of me really wanted to hang out with my friend Donny. He moved to Colorado almost a year ago. I think hanging with friends and family is a very important grounder. I finished the Born Standing Up book and it seemed the important lesson at the end was that he was going crazy. He could do a show for 30 thousand people but couldn't leave his hotel room. He was booked for the next two years out. But he was going crazy performing every night. I also remember talking with Kyle Cease who told me of a similar experience.

He was doing lots of college gigs, and he would go on stage and almost as if he were robotic, do his jokes, and get off and fly to the next city and he ended up having a huge panic attack because he wasn't getting enough sleep.

My dad has told me similar stories of working all day and driving himself crazy. So if I want to take anything away from all this, I REALLY enjoy doing comedy a lot over and over. but it's important to break away and hang with your friends or family and do things real people do. It can only help your career too. You can write more bits, you can come up with weird ideas or just enjoy laughing at the world.

For instance. Here's a gem I thought of the other day on the way to play some basketball.

Why do they have handicap parking spots at the gym?

Of course in theory I get it, but exaggerated it could be pretty funny. It made me laugh. So look for me to write that out in the next few days.

Oh. Real quick before I get out of here. I wanted to share this bit I read in Born Standing Up. It was FREAKING BRILLIANT:

It's Easy to be great. Every entertainer has a night when everything is clicking. These nights are accidental and statistical. Like Lucky cards in poker. You can count on them occuring over time. What was hard was to be good. Consistently good. Night after Night. No matter the abominable circumstances.

Thats it. Good day folks. and... Go saints. In the superbowl. Yeah. But colts will win.

Tour Blog - New Videos

2010-02-06T08:18:00.000-08:00

So the condo we were at didn't have internet for a few days. (Some bigger clubs around the country own condos and let comics stay there instead of paying for hotels every week.) Now I'm at a friends house in Colorado. but I have really slow internet. but at least it's internet. I probably won't blog much over the next few days. So you'll just have to take these videos as substitute.

Andrew Rivers @ Wits End Comedy Club in Denver, Colorado from Andrew Rivers on Vimeo.

This is a set at Wits End. About half capacity crowd on a thursday. It was fun. but an odd crowd. They didn't laugh at the parking spot joke. So I was like uhh... you guys didn't get it? Ok moving on. Then I kept going on the world vision bit and they started laughing at everything. I even stopped at one point and I was like "These aren't even the jokes yet people..." lol. Maybe they didn't get all of it and didn't want to feel like an idiot, so they just started laughing at everything they thought might be a punchline? Maybe there was another conversation going on? I don't know.

This is at an open mic at Comedy Works in Denver or "New Talent Night" A really good crowd. We emailed a few days in advance in hopes they would let us up. We did some other open mics the day before at some odd bars. They went pretty well and I guess other comedians told everyone we (susan and I) were pretty funny. So they ended up letting us go on. I got a PRIME spot. I went up after a few newer guys and 2 guys doing their first time. The crowd was friendly and laughing at most things. The "talent coordinator" was off to the side and right before I went on he said "They're ready. They're just waiting for somebody to tell some jokes."

So I went on and did pretty well. Except I was pissed I did some stupid dance. I gotta be honest. I was really nervous. More nervous than doing a 30 minute set. Doing a 5 minute set at a huge club in a big city. Just wanted to put my best foot forward. Anyway, I think the dance came from nervousness, I've kinda did it shortly at the wits end show too. It's pissing me off and I need to stop.

Anyway. Thanks for reading. Have a great day everyone.

Tour blog - Day 6 or whatever

2010-02-02T01:10:00.000-08:00

So we took yesterday off. (sunday) mostly for the lord's sake and because we couldn't find an open mic.

We did some researching and found two tonight. We went to the first one. This bar was horrible. Nobody really paying attention. Comics one after the other reading off notepads. Terrible. People having their own conversations. Susan got them to laugh a little, I went up and did fine. The 2 people paying attention were laughing so I just focused on their responses and felt great. Every once in a while the other comics in the back laughed a little too. BONUS. We went to the other place. Susan didn't wanna go in because we thought it was gonna be another situation like that.

I went in, saw people paying attention to a rapper. Thought it would be interesting, got nothing better to do and I want to get my set down. I was telling some other people the last few days I've done so well with the 30 minute sets, I feel invincible. I believe the quote I told my friend Adam was "Nothing can bring me down. Unless I wake up with bumps on my penis tomorrow, I feel permanently great about life."

So far. No bumps.

Anyway, the dude put me on. I went up, got kinda a slow start. I think it took the crowd a second to realize I wasn't reading off a note pad and that my first joke was funny. But they laughed at it a little delayed. I just kinda stared at them until they did. I'm becoming so much more comfortable with silence. (Most of my set is greeted by silence, you'd think I'd be happy with it, heyyyy zing.) I'm talking about in between jokes of course. The other day I was at the underground for a big showcase for some of the bigger guys in Seattle. I'd seen a lot of them headline and do longer sets but I'd hardly seen some of their "Best 5 minutes." So it was awesome to see. You could tell some of them hadn't practiced only 5 minutes in a long time and they had so much they wanted to squeeze in.

Sometimes it's good to just leave something out so you can breathe inbetween your set. Allow laughter. Allow silence. You don't rush your words. You don't mis speak. So I've been having fun doing that. The rest of the set went great. I pulled out my old closer about the world vision kids. Because I've been thinking about it lately, because I haven't done it in like 3 months. Because I felt sick of it, because it wasn't getting the same response anymore. Maybe I was sick of it, maybe I was playing to the same crowds too much. Maybe I got more excited about other things. Who knows. I'm really glad I did it, I like it again. I messed it up a little bit, but that part of the brain is rusty. So it's to be expected.

I got a couple handshakes and good jobs from other comics afterwards which always feels good. A few comics later. Susan went up. Destroyed the room. or "Ate the energy" as the guy following her said. lol. Which is a funny line but he hesitated like he wasn't sure if it was ok to make a fat joke. So nobody bought it and didn't laugh. Confidence is a big part of pulling anything off. Anyway, Susan got probably twice as many compliments. Which was cool but bummed me out a little. I want the shine too. Then I remembered She's been doing it over 10 years. lol. I need to calm my ass down sometimes. I say bummed me out. I don't mean like I hated myself. I just mean like "Damn." in a competitive way. Susan's worked her ass off... well... it's still there. but figuratively. Worked her ass off to get where she's at. She's put

Anyway, still feel great. Still no bumps. Sometimes I worry though. I did many things as a young idiot I'm not proud of. Have a good night everyone. Enjoy the day. :)

*One of my friends made some joke on my facebook fan page. because the club we're trying to get into tomorrow/today is called comedyworks. He said comedy shouldn't be work. That's the #1 mistake anyone can make. If you expect to get paid doing anything. You should treat it like your job and work 40 hours a week. There is no easy road in life folks. Hate to break it to you. :)

Random

2010-01-31T23:29:00.000-08:00

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Dating Site

HAHAH. This made me LOL.

Mostly because of this one question.

I used to be an ENORMOUS starcraft nerd.

Hostage Dance

2010-01-31T21:07:00.000-08:00

I need to get this thing down. I'd been writing it a little bit in my head but mostly winging the story as I went along on stage. So I wanted to try and write it and exagerate it and add some funny stuff to it.

I was out in South Dakota recently. Like I said. My Career, Fast Track. Anyway, we had a great show and afterwards this guy from the audience really wants to take me to the strip club. I'm not sure about it. but I go along with it. Cuz I'm an idiot. We get there and I gotta admit, I was impressed. The tooth to tit ratio was at least 2 to 1. Really exceeded my expectations. So anyway, This guy is buying me dances. I'm generally just having a fun time. All of a sudden the DJ comes on and he's like "We have a special guest in the house. Please welcome to the stage the comedian from tonight. Andrew Rivers." I'm like "huh?" .... Who told them? It was a temporary thing. I needed some money. I promised myself I'd never go back.

But it turns out, they wanted to give me their VIP dance. They called it "The Hostage Dance." Now. That sounds bad, because it is. So what happens next, they sit me down in this chair and handcuff me to it. Three of their hottest dancers come out and start dancing on me. I'm talking full set of teeth. Barely any needle marks. VIP treatment. Next thing I know they pull my shirt over my head and blindfold me. They grab my pants and pull them up. Not up like Urkel. but like UP. Away from my body. Again. I'm thinking, What's going on? I didn't sign up for a handjob. Which. If I had thought about it for more than ten seconds. It's called a hostage dance. Iraqi Hostage's don't get handjobs. That's stupid. So then they take a big pitcher of ice and pour it down my pants.

Which. I don't know if it's a South Dakota thing or what... I don't know why anyone would sign up for that. I go to the strip club because I like the warm happy feeling down there. Not the cold shivering turtle goes back in his shell feeling.

-

Anyway. That's all I can really think of. It feels so anti climatic. I need a bigger punchline to wrap the story up at the end. I'll think of something.

Got 30 minutes to waste?

2010-01-31T20:49:00.000-08:00

Andrew Rivers 30 Minute Set in Cheyenne, Wyoming 1/30/10 from Andrew Rivers on Vimeo.

I'm in the fast lane, you can hear my tires burnin.

Tour blog - Day 4/5

2010-01-31T18:30:00.000-08:00

Headnote: Holy shit that's a long blog. I better put pictures in there to break it up. Just fyi so you know what you're getting into. :)

To celebrate my first year in Comedy, My good friend Susan Jones took me on the road with her to Idaho, Montana, South Dakota, Wyoming, and Colorado.

The actual date of my first open mic was 1/29/09 but close enough to one year. The guy introducing me was just asking me random things about myself, I didn't know he was going to use it in the intro until right before he went on. I'm surprised he didn't use my favorite food to introduce me. haha. Susan and I came up with a bunch of jokes about the Motel we stayed at. Most of them AFTER the show when we realized that shit was funny on stage.

Some excerpts:

"The sign says 'FREE HBO' - Heroin by the Ounce."

"There's more activity in the parking lot, than there is in Berut."

"I used to do drugs but I would never buy drugs here."

"I couldn't fit around the sink in the bathroom, so I just pissed on the carpet. I don't think they'll notice."

"You ever had a motel so bad, that it actually smells better AFTER you take a crap in it?"

"I don't think I was actually shitting, my asshole was coughing because it smelled bad."

Lmao. Susan got too dirty. So we kinda stopped. But The funny story is on the way to the motel. We were driving and started to realize we were leaving the nice part of town. Susan just looked at the paper and said "Uh oh. Cheyenne Motel. If the motel is named after the city it's in, it's NEVER a good sign."

Anyway, we didn't leave our bags in the room. We'd heard it burned down a few years ago. (Probably Meth.) So we took all of our stuff to the restaraunt. The place is called "Tuskers." The "stage" or "Upper seating level" has these giant tusks on it. There's an elephant hanging on the wall. (Hence me addressing the elephant in the room. In hindsight. EVERY comic probably did that joke and it stopped being funny 8 weeks ago, which is probably why it didn't work. haha.) Susan made some jokes about they have her baby teeth on the stage and where's the tooth fairy. But she didn't do any of it on stage. She wasn't feeling well before the show (altitude sickness?) and admittedly it wasn't her best show, but she still did very well and was delightful to watch.

It's a tough room to hear the recording, the audio wasn't that great, and the room design was awful for comedy. lol. But they had a full house and compared to the other gigs, where we worked in front of ~10 - 20 People. I had fun. It just makes some of the lines tough to hear because people are right next to the camera and people laughing far away or behind the wall couldn't be heard on the camera.

The room is just a LONG bar, with a back room seperated by a wall, with tiny windows. Maybe 3 feet tall, 1.5 feet wide. (Susan made the joke about. No matter which window you look though you can still see me.) So the majority of people are just in this back room, the rest are down the length of the bar or right in front of the wall at tables. Like the guy who yells at me during the sports jokes. He is halfway down the restaurant by the entrance, but he REALLY wanted to let it known he was drunk and a seahawks fan. lol. So I heard him.

Not to say it doesn't accurately portray the good spots and the bad. Just might be exaggerated in some directions. There were a few things I reflect on that didn't work as well for whatever reason.

The Nintendo joke has usually done well. But as I was approaching it, out of the window I saw this firetruck coming blazing towards us with sirens blasting, I was hesitating on whether to pause and wait for it and make fun of it, or try to out do it or ignore it. I think my own mind not concentrating on the joke, didn't bring part of it as I should have. Or maybe the siren distracted the audience too. Because then I went into my pizza guy stuff. It didn't hit as well as it normally does either. Which might have been caused by a distracting laugh through the whole bit that was caused on the setup trap I always do. "I know what you're thinking. Andrew you're a decent looking guy. - Hey, Don't laugh. That's not the joke." This woman started going hysterical. I tried to move along and then I even had to pause again and go "Is it REALLY that hard to believe?" and that caused her to keep laughing. So I just said to hell with it. In retrospect - Hey. I'm trying to stretch my time anyway. It would be funny to just keep waiting for her to not laugh. Who knows. Regardless, The Craigslist Cock shots joke always gets the audience back.

I'm still not sure about my "look" on stage. I have no idea whether it makes a difference. Sometimes I get superstitious about having the hat makes the audience think I'm some punk kid if I don't address it. or oh, they're trying to figure out why my shirt says large, and I should wear a shirt that says small. I don't know, but I just feel more comfortable when I'm not trying to do the tie. and maybe its less distracting that I'm looking like a normal teenager as opposed to a 12 year old in a tie.

Anyway, the first thing that happened when we walked in. This beautiful girl greets us. Holy cow. Way too hot for Wyoming. I started some playful teasing fun and it seemed ok, then as the night progressed I turned it up. We ended up taking some fun pictures and exchanging numbers and she called me that night to invite to this bar. So I went and hung out for a while but it's hard to "Holler at bitches" when it's a one night in town thing and they know you're at the shittiest motel in town and they probably think you're doing this in every town. I had to explain to her "Look. I know you think I'm doing this everywhere, but I was in Miles City, Montana. There is nobody attractive within a 30 miles radius. Then I went to Rapid City, South Dakota. Where I was pleasantly surprised most of the strippers even had teeth. You're the first attractive girl I've seen on this road trip." Which of course implies I WOULD do it in every city if I could. lol. but I don't know if she caught on to that part of it.

hmmm. What Else. I still haven't finished reading that Steve Martin book. Although I've already put it to good use. I was reading it, and laughing at some of the things and sharing them with Susan. It got to a story about a Heckler. During one of Steve's Early sets. He got up said something to the effect. "You think that's funny, wait till you see this." and threw a glass of red wine on him. I can't remember exactly what he did. But he said later he devoted time to finding out good heckler comebacks.

Susan went over a couple of her favorites:

"Hey, this isn't a comedy show, this is actually your intervention. You're mom will be here in 5 minutes."

"Sir, do you remember your first blowjob? (yes) How did it taste?"

"I will slap you with my titty from here."

"Do you need me to call you a cab?"

"He's just excited because he doesn't have to fight any black guys for the fat chick tonight."

"A short yellow bus just pulled in the parking lot, sir, your ride is here."

Then Steve Martin had one in the book that he said became his favorite:

"I remember my first beer too."

All funny. The thing with those lines is they come with experience. To my understanding, it's always been a public domain / fair use thing. Some people are probably picky about their lines being used but most I've talked to never seemed to care with the idea that one day you come up with you're own.

I've never even had a real heckler, per se. There's been a few times I could have used a quick one liner, but I was too nervous and young on stage to really know what was going on, and I had no idea what was yelled at me. So that night we pull in and get to the show. I'm on stage and this guy gets all wild and yells something from the back. I hadn't even thought about a heckler. Most shows it just doesn't happen, so you don't get to practice it often. I kinda blow the guy off at first and then I realized wait a second. He's not gonna go away. I asked if he wanted me to call him a cab. Pretty good crowd reaction. But he kept going but he started making an excuse like he had something to say. So I said "It's ok. I remember my first beer too." and the roar of laughter just shut his feelings up. (afterwards the management commended both of our handling of the hecklers. They said it had been a problem for most of the comics. awesome.) Later on as I'm telling the hooters joke. This lady right in front starts screaming "Longmont" I'm guessing there is or was a hooters there. I really didn't know what to say. I tried to converse with her but she was drunk. I started asking if she worked there. She said she'd be waiting for me. I was like alright greeeat. Then I walked away and looking back I wish I played it up more. But the audience still laughed. I went back to the joke and she yelled it again. I just looked at her and I said "SHUT UP!" and the audience went NUTS! She didn't even stop until I said "Nobody likes you." and then some lady said "Let him finish." and I was like "Oh I finish quickly, ma'am." and then we moved on and I closed the show.

But even though the victory technically was credit to Steve and Susan. It felt like I had done that. It was just the coolest feeling.

Anyway, I don't know what else to write about. I feel like this is too long already. I may go back and re watch the tape and write out all the lines that are hard to hear. I've uploaded it to Vimeo because that's the cooler version of youtube that lets you put longer videos up. I also want to say Susan needs more credit. She gets comedians gigs all day long on the phone. People call her and she's like the comedy operator. On top of that. She doesn't headline enough in Seattle. I've personally witness almost two hours of different material and watching the stuff she comes up with on a daily basis about random things is incredible.

No driving for 8 hours for at least a few days now. I don't know what to do with myself during the day, I guess write more jokes, write more blogs, and go back to facebooking all day long. We're trying to find some open mic time in Denver before wednesday. Basically. Monday. Tuesday I think we're on the stand by list for comedy works. If you know of anything, or are a more dedicated googler than I was, please let me know.

Tour blog - Day 3.5

2010-01-30T15:59:00.001-08:00

I can see the headlines. Comedians killed in tragic meth accident in Cheyenne.

This hotel - MOTEL - is ... a little shady. On the bad side of town. It's not just like a crappy motel. None of the hotels were that nice, except in Rapid City. That was a nice hotel. but it smells like smoke, and there's weird people hanging around. The meth billboards on the way in town never provide comfort. I'm skinny enough to look like a meth addict. and If I take my teeth out. I just might fit the description.

Susan said she can't even fit in the bathroom door. lol.

Anyway, Comedy Works wrote back and said if we show up Tuesday we might be able to get up and they would put us on the stand by list. That's hopeful. I would love to go just to say hi and meet people. Although tehcnically if we're performing at Wits End they might not like each other but hey. That never stopped me from pissing off club owners in Seattle. Let's do it! right? ehhhh.

I've thought greatly about the set tonight. I'm excited for it. I'm confident in the changes and re arranges. I'm in a comedy mood. I just want a huge show and big crowds and killer time.

I spent half of the 8 hour drive reading a book susan brought. I know I know, I'm late to the party. But I'm halfway through "Born Standing Up" by Steve Martin.

I love people that write things more eloquently than I can but paralell my exact thoughts.

Here's a couple excerpts that hit me:

"Perseverance is a great substitute for talent."

"Naivete is the one element necessary to all early creativity. The fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do."

- Didnt I just say that in my last blog? Ignorance is bliss? If I knew how bad I was I would have never kept going. Crazy right? I'm a genius. I just need someone to write shit better. lol.

"Through the years I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with the delusions between moments of valid inspiration."

"What if writing comedy was a dead end because one day everything will have been done and writers would just run out of stuff. ... Comedy is a distortion of what is happening and there will always be something happening."

Anyway, another interesting thought Susan said in the car ride here. (She's talks A LOT and is super ADD so she jumps around 8 conversations at once, but sometimes it's something really powerful.) We talked about last night a bunch and I kept swearing she did like an hour 15. Because as I watched it seemed like she was on stage FOREVER. Then we went back and checked the time. 60 minutes on the dot. Then it hit me. 60 minutes is a LONG FREAKIN TIME. It's taken me 1 year to get even close to a decent 30 minutes. She did a KILLER 60 minute set. But it still seemed like a LONG FREAKING TIME. Then Susan put it in perspective.

"Whenever someone says they're ready to headline. I ask them 'Are you as funny as 3 seinfeld episodes?'" Wow. TV shows are roughly 20-22 minutes without commercials depending on the show/network/whatever. 60 minutes is 3 Seinfeld episodes. Or *insert favorite longtime running comedy series here*

60 minutes is a long freaking time. Anyway. I'll blog about the show later if my laptop isn't stolen yet. I'm taking it with me to the show. Maybe if they have WIFI at the venue I'll Ustream it. lol. That would be fun.

Cheers. And thanks again for reading.

P.S.

Funny story about Susan. She said I'm finally allowed to blog about it, because she turned it into a joke for the stage.

We were walking around Sturgis, SD. The main roads are clear but the sidewalks are icey and some of the backroads are all ice. She really wants T-Shirts or whatever. No parking spots on the side of the store, so we park on the opposite side. She walks over and we're both going slow because it's slippery. Susan starts to fall, but catches herself. Then tries to stand straight again and loses it. She almost caught her balance again. So she really only fell from halfway down. But it was still funny in a way only friends can make fun of each other. She rolled on her stomach like it was a turtle on it's back. We laughed for 30 seconds and she couldn't get up because it was too icey. So she looked at me like "Help" so I came over and helped her get up.

That's the real story. So you know when she says that I called AAA - Don't believe her. She's just trying to make me look bad and make the audience laugh. lol.

Tour Blog - Day 3: Thirty Two Minutes

2010-01-29T22:43:00.000-08:00

Tonight. I accomplished my goal. A solid 30 minutes. Not that it didn't have it's many flaws. but sometimes it's just about the fact I can say "I Made It!"

Tonight Susan and I did a show in Miles City, Montana.

I didn't do the bum umbrella story yesterday because I wasn't sure what sports team to subsitute for Seahawks. I was going to try a local reference. Tonight I needed the time and figured I'd see if Seahawks worked anyway. I'm not sure why I'm surprised, but making fun of the Seahawks works anywhere there are sports fans. :'(

*sigh*

God. I go back and read these blogs. They are just giant rambles. lol. I'm sorry people read this. I'm not a writer. It makes sense in my head. It's more just personal notes and thoughts than an eloquent writing.

Anyway. Today is my 1 year anniversary in comedy. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. I really do mean this. If I knew how bad I was when I started, and if I knew I wasn't born with a stand up comedian ability. I would have never kept going. How fitting that on the 1 year anniversary of me barely doing 5 minutes at my first open mic. I'm doing 30 minutes on the road. and getting paid.

I started my "DOPE" notebook to keep track of shows. April 16th was the first entry. I've got 229 shows since then. Sometimes I consider April when I started. Because that's when I got punched and started taking this seriously. From Jan - April I probably only did 30 open mics. I've tried to go back and count. It's pretty tough. So around 260 shows in one year.

Susan said some people have a "Who would want to kill in Miles City, Montana?" mentality. Anyone should want to kill anywhere. There's no denying these are tougher gigs. Nobody said anything would be easy. I think back to the entry that Alonso Bodden wrote in my book when I was worried about the Giggles vs Parlor fiasco. "Work the Hell Gigs and Cruise in the A rooms."

I'm not saying people who do well in the parlor aren't funny. But trust me. That audience is EASY. That's an "A" room. That's not a diss on the parlor. Or the people of Bellevue. Those people laugh at almost anything and that's what comics WANT. It's a great room and that's why a lot of people love that room. I'm sure some people might disagree but it's my personal opinion. I go watch shows and guys I don't think are very funny (headliners) kill it. I'm salivating at the opportunity to go back to the Parlor. I'm excited to get back to comedy clubs period. I can't tell you how excited I am to get back to a venue where you don't have to work for people's attention. It's a stupid saying but you have no idea how easy you've got it, till you visit other places. The most important thing I'm getting from this is the confidence to walk into any room and make anyone laugh. Which is something I haven't always had. Many times if the audience is too far away, or if they're talking a lot or a lot of other factors you can get worried going up. Waiting in line like a cow at a slaughterhouse. What I'm trying to say is that doing well in a comedy club doesn't make you a great comic. Doing well in Miles City, Montana makes you a great comic.

I don't know what else to write. 8 hour drive tomorrow from Miles City, Mt to Cheyenne, Wyoming. Then we are going to try and find some open mics around Denver or Maybe Salt Lake that will let us perform on Sunday/Monday/Tuesday until Wednesday and Thursday when we are in Westminster, Colorado which is just outside of Denver. From the one website I found on Google (looks like the big club in Denver) the open mics aren't like Seattle where you show up and the owner decides who gets on or who doesn't. They do sign ups a week in advance. That's on Tuesday. And Sunday open mic is invite only. They said if you're a professional comic to go through the same process. I emailed and asked about getting on the open mic list and that we're performing at wits end. don't know if that will get us on since we're only doing it with a few days notice. Who knows. Stay tuned.

Tour Blog. Day 2 is done.

2010-01-29T00:51:00.000-08:00

Ok. Had a pretty good show. Did just a smidge over 20 quality minutes with about ten audience members so that was odd. If I wanted a giggles show I would've stayed in Seattle. But I digress. I'm going to figure out which jokes I need to add to get me to 30. I've always had jokes that are funny but don't seem to fit, but the road is a perfect place to stretch so why not add a few random bits in.

After the show the dude Bill Buckner took me to the SD strip club. I was very happy that the tooth to tit ratio was at least 2 to 1. I was also happy I didn't get charged cover and then some random girl (who didn't work there) I started talking to bought me a "Dance". Which is where you lay on the stage and they lick your nipples and sit on your face for a little while. Not my favorite thing, but hey. If you're buying, I'm trying, right? Not exactly...

Someone bought me a bad dance. They pulled me on stage, handcuffed to a chair on stage. This is all fine by me so far. Three girls got on stage and started giving me real lapdances. Again. The more the merrier. Until they started doing it really hard. Literally jumping and slamming their ass on my junk. A little uncomfortable, but hey maybe some people are into that, maybe it's a south dakota thing. All of a sudden I'm blindfolded by my own shirt and I felt them grab my pants and pull them up. When I say up, I'm not talking about down or up, I mean like, away from my body. I'm thinking, I hope this isn't what I think this is. I didn't sign up for handjobs or anything. I just came to see some tits and write a joke or two. Next thing I know, they poured ice water in my pants. Mostly Ice. Maybe it was all ice, and it turned to water. I dunno.

South Dakota. You have an odd way about you. I'm glad I was here, but I'm happy to leave. lol. Looking forward to breakfast and not going to strip clubs anywhere else.

Tour Blog. Day 1 1/2

2010-01-28T15:49:00.000-08:00

Rapid City, South Dakota.

Still no cell service. I think T-Mobile should take the "Mobile" part out of their name.

Just pulled in to Rapid City. Our receptionist had no teeth on the top, and like 4 on the bottom. All the meth billboards start to make sense. and probably a good reason for no Hooters in South Dakota.

I'm a little anxious for the show, since our gig in Montana got canceled last night, I didn't have a chance to feel good about a road show yet. So I get to start off with 30 minutes instead of warming up with a 10 minute set in Montana. But 30 is just 3 10s. I've written a few new things in the past few days that have done well and Susan will cover the time if I go short.

We're trying to find an open mic or two in Utah to kill some time Monday or Tuesday before we go to Colorado. All the interstates are bare and dry for the most part but off the freeway the roads can be iced over and there's been snow everywhere since Idaho. We haven't had any road troubles. Seems like a mild winter everywhere. I'll check in after the show. The hotel here is pretty nice. Exercise room too.

Tour Blog. Day 1

2010-01-28T00:37:00.000-08:00

Stopped for the night in Sheridan, Wyoming. No cell access but free wireless internet. Off to Rapid City, SD tomorrow. I sent my new video to my friend Rick Kerns and he thought it was great and much improved in all areas. I told him I was going out to a few states and trying to get on in Colorado. He asked which club and said he'd put in a word for me. The booker loves Susan and turns out is a Bob Rivers fan! (It's so cool that he impacts a lot of people even from such a small market like Seattle. More on this in a second.) So he's letting me do a short set on Wednesday and Thursday at Wit's End Comedy Club in Colorado.

I Stopped in a few Hooters on my way down I-90. That blog will pop up at the MayorOfWingville's spot as soon as I get some decent Cell Service. and then I'll copy it down here.

Anyway, wanted to touch on this subject of my dad for a few more minutes before I conk out. You can say what you want. I've heard it all. It's nice to have someone else in my corner. But REALLY if anyone wanted to, they could have the same connections I do. There's this amazing thing called THE INTERNET. That connects people instantly. Friend club owners on facebook. Friend headliners. Send them emails. Offer to take them to lunch and ask for advice. Even if 1 out of 100 responds. That's still 1 connection you didn't have before. Don't blame your lack of connections on not having a dad with a radio show. Blame it on your own laziness.

My dad said something the other day when I was at the show. We talked about how great Hooters has been for me. (a few weeks ago we talked again how great it was. He said he had no idea it would be so great for networking. I didn't either. We talked about how interesting it is that once you can get other people work, they will pay attention to you.) So then fast forward the other day He said he knew if he could help get me my own show I could network better. I had to smile because I remembered the conversation but I let him have his own proud moment. He thinks he's got this master plan for me. Maybe he does. I need a master plan too. Every time I meet up with CJ, he asks what I feel like the future holds for the next year and what are my plans. I don't know how to answer that question. I'm just focused on one goal. Making enough money to pay rent.

Anyway, immediately he said "I just made a phone call to let you know they were interested. You're the one who did all the work, but I knew if you got it, it would help." Which isn't all the way true. My dad helped me with the pitch a lot. Simplifying my ideas, and coaching me with the phone call. I think he feels like I'm sensitive to deserving my share of the credit. Look, almost every joke everyone writes has probably been tagged by someone else, or had an idea to improve it by someone else. They've probably reciprocated it to other comics. Other comics put a word in for you other places. You'll do the same if you can. You get someone a gig, they get you a gig. This whole world is built off sharing. The comedy clubs feed off of great comedians, who feed off of great comedy clubs. It's all a cycle. We can't live without each other.

That's really how it came about. There is no magic Bob Rivers wand, and it wasn't "Hey I heard about this, go do it." The hooters people came in and mentioned they might have an open mic. My dad called me and said I might be able to help them run the show. I met up with them. Told them they didn't want an open mic. Wrote the pitch. Revised it with my dad. Pitched it. Sold it. and that was that. Luckily it has worked out.

It's amazing to me that a guy on the radio in South Dakota knows about me because he is a fan of my dad's show and knows some of the people on his show. He's excited to meet me. Now the guy in Colorado knows my dad and loves his show and is excited to meet me. My dad is in Seattle. I think it speaks clearly to the quality of relationships he builds with people that he probably has no idea will ever come back around to affect him or his family. This all goes back to the Conan quote. "If you WORK REALLY HARD, and are NICE. AMAZING things will happen."

Clearly, many people are fans and consider him a friend all over. I'm just realizing the reach it has outside of Seattle. Regardless I'll continue to work as hard as if I didn't have that connection. After all, my dad didn't get me these gigs. Susan has. and you can't be even close to famous without somebody not liking you. It's just a matter of fact. But to think about how few there are of THOSE people and how many people love him. Shows just how insignificant THOSE people are. Maybe that's why they're so mad. Don't blame others for your problems.

Work REALLY HARD, and be nice and AMAZING THINGS WILL HAPPEN. (c) Conan & Andrew Rivers. :)

Cheers

And thanks for reading. I mean it. I do it so ONE person might learn something from it and have an easier time following their dreams. Be it Comedy, Acting, Porn or All of the Above.

Conans Final Thought

2010-01-25T00:29:00.000-08:00

I'm not one of those "I'm with COCO" nuts. I think Conan is every comedians favorite late night host. I grew up watching Jay Leno with my dad almost every night. So I have a fondness for Leno. I watched Conan's last show, which was fun. But he said something that really struck a chord with me and hopefully with anyone else watching.

He started off by saying that he doesn't want anyone to be cynical. It gets you nowhere. It's the worst quality in human beings. Which was a great point. Then boom:

"Nobody in life gets exactly what they want. But if you work really hard, and you're kind. Amazing things will happen."

It's the truth. Success is a choice everyone. Go get it.

New Video 2 + BootCamp with Kyle Cease and Louie Anderson

2010-01-24T01:57:00.000-08:00

I'm not posting this to brag. I'm not that type of guy. I'm just really excited to see this 7 minutes so polished and work so well in 2 COMPLETELY different environments. Bar gigs are tough. They can turn on an instant. Sometimes they have no clue there's even a comedy show. This is a glimpse into the life of a comic. How do you have a set that appeals to a lakewood casino, and then the next night does well in the corner of some random sports bar in auburn?

This was a fun show, although they seemed a little slow in parts. I felt like I was even stepping on some laughs at certain points because there was a delayed reaction. Like White Light District. I'd already started telling the punchline when they laughed a few seconds late at a set up point. Then as I was closing, I thought ok the laughs seemed to be winding down on that punchline, and every other time I do the joke it's almost over by now and it's just sort of a rythym you get into and then as I started to do the final tag to close, I realized it was still going pretty strong. but I couldn't stop because I already started talking, then as I started talking they got quiet to hear the final joke.

Which in part was a great thing. I had their interest, they were excited to hear what was next. Anyway, I've had some trouble with bar gigs in the past, so I'm just super happy that I'm feeling so confident in this set that I could take it anywhere (except maybe papa's pub) and do just as well. I'm curious to see how well this polished 7 will carry me through a longer set and if I get some leeway on some not so polished material.

I'm going to learn a lot in the next two weeks. I hope you'll be following the blog on my journey. The next month is going to be incredible too. Kyle's bootcamp will be in town. Let me know if you're interested, I'll hook you up with the people. They told me today I might be able to get my referrals a deal or something. I dunno I wasn't paying attention.

but trust me, the couple hours that I've sat and talked with Kyle while he critiqued my video step by step. Was priceless. Sometimes a headliner after a show will give you a tag or say hey maybe try this a different way. Nobody ever sits down and says ok play for ten seconds. Ok pause. Ok rewind. See how you're doing this? Don't do that. Plus, at Kyle's bootcamp you get to meet all sorts of comics that will put you into connections with other comics. The connections ALONE could be worth it. Louie Anderson offered people a 5 minute spot on his show in Vegas to everyone in the last bootcamp. Holy crap. I want that NOW! lol.

Seriously. What have you got to lose? Let's be in it to win it. 1 2 3 TEAM!

Conan

2010-01-23T01:28:00.001-08:00

A bunch of people are posting status updates that they're crying during Conan's last show. Don't cry for him. He's fine. He's crying all the way to the bank Monday. He's crying 30 million times. That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. I got fired and all I got was 1200 dollars. One paycheck. Peace out. Get out of here. This is bullshit where's my 30 million.

New Video + Long Rants + Has it REALLY been 1 year?

2010-01-23T00:32:00.000-08:00

I got a few new jokes I've written in my phone, I might spend tomorrow writing them down on here. Look forward to that. Until then, Enjoy this new video. Maybe I'll upload and post the one from today which was comparatively not as great of a set but in some ways much better. The laughs were good in the right spots and the set was still great but it was a tougher room, in a bar in auburn. I watch the tape and I feel a delay between the punchline and the joke. I even watch it and see that I cut laughs off at the start of one joke because I had thought they weren't going to laugh at it.

Overall though the set went smoother, I delivered all the lines strong and with confidence. I'm still trying to work out the transition from the four balls to the white light district in a way that will generate a few laughs.

Also one thing I wanted to note. You might see me without a shirt and tie for a while. I don't know why. I just wanted to try some new things. I don't know if I feel like I grew out of it. I like to dress like that sometimes, and I've invested a good amount of money into some flashy outfits, so they will get use. But at the same time, I want to relax more. I want to feel genuine, I want to blur the lines of on stage and off stage a little and see where it takes me. Another thing is I was watching some old videos and it just looked goofy. Like it didn't fit. I've always had a weird body type. Very inbetween. Tall and lanky. Too tall for shirts that are snug enough to not look like a blanket, but too skinny for shirts that are long enough to cover my torso.

Anyway, it sounds dumb, who cares what you're wearing. It felt like a uniform sometimes. I wonder psychologically if I was tricking myself into "performing" too much, as opposed to my latest broad goal of trying to not sound like I'm reading a script all the time and instead just talking with some friends. I know I'm weird.

So that's that. The future is exciting. I'm going with Susan Jones on this 'tour' thing for a few days to Montana, South Dakota, Wyoming. Then she's headlining this big club in Colorado and she's working on letting them give me a 7 minute guest set for two days and then I might hop over to my best friends house who moved to colorado about a year ago. I've been writing a bunch of stuff I think is funny. I've had great sets lately and getting a lot of compliments from the comics I performed with. Travis gave me a great one the other day and Jubal, Tony D, Rodger and Duane all told me I did fantastic the last two nights. Rodger even made a little joke pretending to wipe away some tears "You're all grown up now buddy."

The funniest part is Rodger was secretly a big inspiration. I was gonna do this post on the exact date. but fuck it. I'll do it again then too. haha. This is the video from my VERY first open mic performance. *shudder* I still think some of the jokes are funny and I'm proud that I was even writing and understanding basic structures of the jokes. I knew the premise, I had a setup and what was supposed to be a punchline. I had it all planned in my head. They will laugh here, here, here. Bam I'm amazing.

At the same time, that was god awful. lol. I always tell people that if they're serious. ONLY if they're serious. You need to keep going no matter what because looking back if I knew I was that bad when I started I would have never kept going. That's the honest truth. I thought I had a leg up. I thought I was a natural and it would be a piece of cake once I got comfortable on stage. That's not to say I thought I deserved anything over anybody. Let me make it clear. I tried my best to remain humble with no sense of entitlement for who any of my friends, relatives, or cousins were. Even "Crazy Terry" told me I was very humble one time.*

Then I read a couple books (Outliers & The Talent Code) and learned there was no such thing as a natural ability at a skill. You've learned everything you know from watching, listening. Even inadvertently. The first time you shoot a basketball, you probably did it somewhat like the guy you saw on tv do it. Which is why it's important to watch people do it the right way.

Anyway. After my set, Rodger goes up and makes fun of me a little bit but encourages me to keep going. "You're already unemployed like the rest of us. You're gonna make it." So it was extra nice to hear him give me a compliment the last couple days.

My first set:

** (I've heard Crazy Terry's opinion has changed recently. It saddens me our relationship went the way it did. The only thing that makes me more sad is the fact he won't be around for me to stick it to when I make it bigger. I've also heard he doesn't like it when I blog about him. I'll stop blogging when he stops talking shit about me while I'm not around. All I ever wanted was to be treated like a man and insulted to my face. But he never could. That goes for anyone else too. Grow up.)

Guest Spots

2010-01-21T13:15:00.001-08:00

I'll be doing guest spots thursday and friday. Come hang out. :)

Role Model

2010-01-20T14:56:00.001-08:00

I met a nice guy the other day at Laughs Open mic (I think the same one who just left comments on my blog) - Name escapes me. *Sidebar: I don't remember people the first two or three times I meet them because otherwise the people who you never see again are just a waste of memory space. lol.

Anyway, not the point. The kid seemed nice and told me it was his first time and he watched a bunch of my videos and I was an inspiration. I don't know how to react to that. At first it's like well, there's plenty of people doin good things around you can look up to. Why me? but I guess I'm more in public than other comics maybe with the blog and youtube and radio and stuff. It might be harder to feel like you can know the other guys. Anyway, he told me he aspires to be in my shoes one day. I had to laugh at that.

Pissing off club owners for no reason every other week, collecting unemployment, working at hooters every week, about to go on the road to idaho, montana, wyoming, the dakotas, colorado. Living the dream right there. That is the definition of success. Man if I could only do it all over again.

Ok, so I'm mostly joking. I've got it good. Besides, I've been dying to get around and see what other cities have to offer, even if they aren't real cities. I've heard Seattle is only a big deal to Seattle. Plus working the road gives you plenty of fun stories (= comedy), experiences (= comedy), perspective (= comedy), and is a great chance to increase your network. Part of me loves staying in at Hooters and connecting with the guys I'm bringing in there every week, I like a regular schedule as much as possible, but part of me likes new experiences just for the hell of it. Provided it seems safe.

The money isn't that great. A couple hundred bucks. But it's more than I'll make sitting around doing guest sets or featuring or headlining at some clubs. Plus one of my best friends moved to CO about a year ago and I've only seen him like twice. So I think the timing is going to work out where I might get to hang with him on the weekend and catch a cheap flight back.

The opportunity came up a few weeks ago, but I had to pass because I had just met the guy. I didn't know if he used drugs or drank a lot. I was scared of winter weather. It just didn't feel right. This time Susan hit me up (she's been my biggest supporter through it all.) and asked if I wanted to go. I kinda wanted to wait to feel ready but I had that thought again where I realized I will never be ready for anything I ever do. Just go for it.

Anyway, Hooters tonight. 8pm. Come hang out. Let me buy you some wings.

Adam Norwest

2010-01-20T01:12:00.000-08:00

One of my best friends in comedy right now Adam Norwest's video from today made me crack up a lot. That's why this kid is a genius. He didn't even think of this until he was on stage.

Don't think I blogged this - Nepotism at Nine

2010-01-19T16:21:00.001-08:00

No pre interview. My dad was so proud. We're working on getting comfortable enough to just tell my jokes in conversation while adapting to an ongoing conversation and not have to be set up with underhand softballs or deliver a monologue. Still lots of work to do but this was a good first step. I feel like with a decent nights sleep it will be much smoother but hey, beggars can't be choosers.

Thanks Dad for all your help. :)

Happy MLK Day

2010-01-18T11:50:00.000-08:00

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction. -Martin Luther King, Jr

Bizarro Andrew

2010-01-18T00:05:00.000-08:00

True Story. I was seeing this girl for a while, when one day she called me and said "I don't think you and I are a good idea." I said "How can you break up with me, we're not even really dating." she said "That's what makes this so difficult."

Ok. So the last line is from seinfeld. I'm not sure I'm completely comfortable using the line from the show as the punchline for the joke. But the whole exchange was just as awkward, so it's demanding I come up with something for it on stage.

Anyway, it reminds me of a joke Marc Maron did this past weekend at laughs. I have to find it. Something about Trauma dating. It struck home. Marc was pretty funny guy. If I find it, I'll post it.

I Wish I Wrote That!

2010-01-17T22:38:00.000-08:00

*Note: I said I would talk more about my talk with Kyle on here, but at the end of the day, it's not ground breaking stuff. It doesn't need to be copied word for word, not that it wasn't well worth a trip, he's a nice guy, and I would have taken him regardless if he slept the whole way for everything he's helped me out with so much already. I'll just touch on one thing.

The main thing I really like about Kyle is he's so positive. He's all about the power of being happy or thinking good thoughts. Which is the same way I've been. Being around negativity all the time takes its personal toll. You start to believe things people say. Anyway, Kyle has his bootcamp coming to bellevue in Feb, so go check that out. StandupBootcamp.com I think. Too lazy to check. :)

Today I did a 5 minute set on Travs (the Big Funny) Simmons show up at Laughs in Kirkland. Travis was a real swell guy, he was supposed to sort of headline but he gave like 10 different comics a couple minutes, and he ended up doing about 10 minutes at the end of the show instead of like 30 he could have taken.

I wasn't the host, but I was the first comic and it was a smaller crowd of 25-40 people but they really were responsive and a great crowd. Anyway, it went nearly perfect. I did my best 5 that I haven't really worked on for a while because I get excited about newer things. I figured it was good to dust it off. I even heard laughs genuine laughter coming from the back of the room. Which is always good.

I got done Travis told me I did really well and that he really liked my 4 balls joke. I thanked him and told him it's one of my favorites and I get a lot of compliments on it. He said something like thats the type of joke that makes other comics wish they had that one. I was flattered. That's probably one of the highest praises you can get from another comic. So I was happy to have received that. I do hear the negative things people say behind my back and they do sting sometimes. But I've learned I live in my own reality and I can't change others opinions if they don't want to.

Which is another lesson I've learned many times over the past year. Shut your mouth. Everyone is listening even when they're not. You think you're safe because someone isnt in the room. There's a saying about guys who cheat. If he cheated with you, he will cheat on you. Well, girlfriend... lol. If he gossips with you, he will gossip about you. Just don't say anything. Or talk about people in the room. or Talk about Baseball. Just don't say anything negative about anyone. How about that rule?

People will pass it along, don't say bad things about people on myspace or facebook or a blog, because they will get copied and pasted into an email. Everyone is super sensitive about crap even if it's meant innocently. This extends beyond comedy too. I've made a few status updates that my girlfriend at the time didn't appreciate. She doesn't even have an account.

Every moment spent talking about someone else, is another moment I could spend working on my own situation. So even at the open mics in the back of the room where everyone loves to talk crap about whatever drama is going on. I just bring my ipod and do not engage. I dont wanna know who said what, I don't care. This all goes back to thinking about positive things. Unless it involves me. I don't wanna know about it. :)

So I guess what I'm saying, is a compliment can really lift someone's spirits. Don't be afraid to try giving them once in a while.

Bill Burr

2010-01-16T07:18:00.000-08:00

I met my idol yesterday. Bill Burr was in town for Marty Riemer's festival (among small change openers like Kyle Cease, Nick Thune and Jeff Garlin.)

The story is so anti climatic, but it is all I've got for now. I had forgotten to ask for tickets to the show until the day before for some reason. My dad got me the tickets thankfully, but it didn't matter, I would have paid anything to see Bill Burr. I talk to the people at the JACKFM booth and a couple radio people I know there but don't know names of. I tell them it's a matter of life or death I get to meet Bill. They arrange the pre show tour.

I'm with a group of 20 or so getting led backstage. We get in this dressing room and I'm waiting for the comics to come around. They never do. The show is starting they want everyone back in their seats. I pull Marty aside like 'hey, I'm a huge Bill Burr fan is there a chance we're going to meet anyone afterwards?' and he tells me to wait there for a minute. The rest of the crowd goes back to there seat (I don't think they cared about meeting the comics anyway.) Marty brings me to a room all the comics are hanging in. BAM.

I see the friendly face of Kyle Cease and I'm much less nervous and feel a lot less awkward. Hug it out with Kyle and then Marty introduces me to Bill. Bill says hi and I tell him I'm a local comic and he goes "oh you're local, so you ever work for 'Crazy Terry?'" and gives a chuckle. I laugh and say 'not anymore but we had our moments.' and then we move on to something else. I sit and listen in and we are talking with Kyle about Youtube killing comedians before they start. Bill makes some excellent points and I'm not saying that just because it's Bill Burr.

"I can't imagine having to deal with that if I was starting out. People posting their five minutes. People commenting on it. I would have quit. I didn't have thick skin like that. If you watch Robert DiNero's first acting reel, you're not gonna be like 'This guys GREAT!' you're gonna be like 'Nice Mole, Dickface.'"

We talked for about ten minutes, and the show was about to start so he was on his way back to his dressing room and I stopped him and asked to sign the book and for a quick picture in the hallway.

During the show. Wow. I was pretty impressed with Kyle as always even though it's not my favorite material, it's not overly witty or intellectual, I just laugh at him. He's goofy. He's just FUNNY. Which is all that matters. Nick was pretty funny although the guitar thing gets old for me. Personally he started out with his best joke "I BCC Stevie Wonder on all my emails." and ended with something that didn't hit me much. Jeff was ... ODD. He made fun of the unicycle team that came out during intermission, he didn't really have a set at all. He kept speaking into a bannana as if it were a phone. But when Kyle came out with the guitar in the middle of his act and started messing with him. Because at the end of Kyle's set he did this thing where he walks off stage and walks back on and the stagehand thought it was over and brought the guitar out for Nick. So for some reason during Jeff's set, Kyle brought the guitar out and they went at it for a few minutes. *(you just had to be there to really get it) Regardless, I would see all those guys again.

I had been talking Bill up so much to my friend Tiffaine I brought with me. I said this guy is legendary, he's my favorite, I'm super fan, you have to see this show. Immediately she's like "his voice is annoying." and then he told his first joke and we both started dying. After the performance we both sat there for a few minute just waiting to calm down. She said she could have watched him for 2 more hours and that 30 minutes wasn't nearly enough. I couldn't agree more. I do wish in a way, he was over at Giggles if only so I could watch the sets 4 times, and possibly talk with him more.

After the show there was a big "after party" at this restaurant. Lots of people from the show came, Kyle offered to let me sit with him and introduced me to his parents and we talked for a couple minutes. He started talking outloud about how is he getting to the airport tomorrow. I offered to take him and he was like 'awesome.'

I left around 12:30 said goodbye to Marty, Bill happened to be getting up from his table to go to the parking lot at the same time, I was watching his table like a hawk to see if there was an opportunity that didn't seem rude to stop and thank him quickly again and say goodbye. I'm a super fan but it's very important to me to give someone the same respect I would want. So I'm glad they got up too. I said goodbye, thanks for the show. He said you're welcome, and good luck in comedy. It was a very ... sincere wish too, with a firm handshake, eye contact. Just. Respect for another human. Cool.

Went to bed at probably 1:30. Woke up at 5:30 and took Kyle Cease to the airport. We had a nice short talk on the way to the airport. It's just such a quick drive is the problem. We sat in the loading zone for 5 minutes. The security guy probably thought we were some kind of gay lovers having a huge heart to heart. Kyle is just on another level mentally off stage. It's scary how deep he thinks compared to how simple his comedy would APPEAR.

I'll write the blog about the things we talked about later. but the first thing he said to me when I pulled up. "How would you feel right now, if you woke up, and you KNEW you got 8 hours of sleep?" I'm trying to find the study, but he told me that if you mess with someone's watch. Say they lay down for a few hours, and they wake up but their clock says they've had 8 hours of sleep. They'll act like it, even if they haven't. But if a guy had 8 hours, but according to his clock only had 3. He will act like it. Crazy? Not so much...

You Control the Board...

2010-01-15T06:42:00.001-08:00

I'm starting to get more comfortable speaking out of turn. :)

I'd love to see what I can do with a little bit of sleep.

Danger!

2010-01-14T16:35:00.001-08:00

I was a thrill seeker as a kid. I did lots of dangerous things, I did backflips on my snowboard, jumped off clips into the lake, had sex with girls from kent.

I've been waiting to use that line for like 6 months. I think it fits nicely. :)

Come to Hooters TONIGHT!

2010-01-13T12:27:00.001-08:00

Waitresses

2010-01-11T02:39:00.000-08:00

Look, some people think it's inappropriate for me to sleep with waitresses at comedy clubs or places I do comedy. As the host of a show every week at HOOTERS, it's important that I know the INS & OUTS of my show, It's important I'm selling a show that I believe in, something that I can really GET BEHIND.

HAH. There's got to be more of these. *shrug*

Dreams Do Come True

2010-01-10T23:42:00.000-08:00

There's a key element to success in comedy. Stage Time. Lots of it is needed before you get to a space where you are probably funny enough to start getting paid. Some more than others. There's never a point you reach where you shouldn't take something away from a couple of shows. It might not be every show anymore, again we're talking years in, I still find many things in every show I want to improve, but stage time will always be valuable.

I haven't talked much publicly about my Giggles departure. I stopped getting stage time. So I stopped going. It's significantly hampered a lot of the time I spent working on newer material, but I've come far enough where it's not necessary to be on life support. I can stand on my own two at this point. I do want to credit Terry and his club for giving me a major slice of the stage time to that point. (about 1/3rd) but the lobby and the negativity is not worth showing up for a small percentage of stage time.

I was worried at first. But It's been a few months and I'm pretty happy. The timing of Hooters has helped tremendously. I've done my best to not use it as a bargaining chip. I don't want to book people because they have a show I want to be on, I don't do it so they'll like me. I do it to get the reputation of having a great show and so everyone can have some money in their pocket. The great thing about doing it. Other people want to help me. I don't think it's because I'm booking them. It's more related to stepping out from the crowd.

I'm not shy, but I'm not a social butterfly. I tend to mind my own business at clubs and introduce myself if I'm feeling like it. I don't want to be bothered or bother anyone. but once people find out you can make them some money. They let you know they'd love to be booked. Even if they've never met you. Or their friends, or their friends friends. Which there's nothing wrong with. It's been interesting to meet all sorts of new people I might have never gotten to meet.

Then people see me host or talk to other people and watch my video or read my blog and want to put me on shows. I'd say attitude is important. Often times comics drive across several states. Nobody wants to be stuck in a car with a guy that's annoying or a bitter asshole. I got an email from Ron Stubbs from a recommendation from another comic when his host for a show cancelled the day before. He hired me for a paid gig. Now I might get a regular opportunity to be a paid host on that show, and plenty more.

I remember talking to people when I started that I didn't want to go back to a regular job, and I wanted to start making money before unemployment ran out. Well, there was setbacks on that whole plan, and thanks to a bad economy, a few extensions on unemployment. but I'm getting closer to realizing this dream that many (including myself at one point) figured was probably impossible.

The thing about doing free sets at giggles or even the parlor every weekend is that it doesn't go anywhere. I'm probably not close to being a regular club feature. Even features at giggles aren't going to get paid. While it's valuable, I find more value in doing paid work. That's the point of us getting into this anyway? Sometimes necessity is mother invention. Sink or Swim. I remember the first time my parents said "ok, we're not paying your rent anymore." I freaked out. I was like 19. Everything I had was theirs. They said I have 6 months left. I got a loan from them to pay my first month rent at my new apartment, and after that I've never not paid my own rent.

Would I have made the same progress without them booting me? Will it work for everyone? I don't know. Everyone responds to circumstances differently. Depends how determined you are. Cuz if you have to walk the plank and you don't know to swim. You better learn.

My new parents (the unemployment office) is probably a few more months from cutting me off too. Will I pay my rent? Stay tuned to find out. Just dreaming doesn't keep the lights on.

Ten Comedy Commandments

2010-01-10T11:51:00.001-08:00

I was sitting at a restaurant with a friend recently. He makes a joke about the waitress wanting his balls. I said too bad she's already had mine. I'm a human, I like to brag sometimes. Then we started talking and he was like didn't that one guy sign your book "Don't fuck the waitresses"? We started laughing and we focused back on the football game, until his phone went off.

So he gets a text message from a guy he hadn't talked to in 3 years. Offering him to buy some product at what is supposedly a really good price. I wouldn't know.

A few years ago he was a heavy drug dealer. Then like many a drug dealing fairy tale it all went down hill and has a few years of probation left. He's not very shy about it, but he's not exactly open about it unless you're close to him. He doesn't go around and brag about how he used to move ki's, and he doesn't want to be a rapper. lol.

Then he started joking about how it would be so much easier now because he's sober and he isn't interested in drugs anymore, because he wouldn't cut into his own profits. I started ribbing him like "C'mon. How can you do that. That's part of the ten crack commandments." I started rapping 'Number 4. Know you heard this before: Never get high on your own supply.'

Without missing a beat he looks up and he's like "Yeah, it's kinda like that whole fucking the waitresses thing. It's a lot easier to say it shouldn't be done than to not do it."

Touche.

Tommy Savitt on the Bob Rivers Show

2010-01-06T17:42:00.000-08:00

Talkin all that mess about Madden. lol. He's LUCKY I lost the picture of the BLITZ arcade score where I took him down in Oak Harbor 59-7. And then he wants to gloat because he beat me by 15 points in Madden on playstation. The difference being, I never play on PS, I play on XBOX. There's many subtle differences that hindered my ability to make certain plays, but we were tied going into the 4th quarter to my credit. See him at Hooters tonight.

The embedding is a little glitchy on my cpu, maybe it is on yours? Go watch the clip here: http://www.bobrivers.com/#v10521

Juston McKinney on Conan

2010-01-06T17:30:00.000-08:00

I opened for Juston a few times up at laughs. HILARIOUS. Glad to see he's doing well.

It's interesting to watch this set, in his longer sets, he usually has much more space and comfortable with the silence before going into his next bit. I would venture to guess you can't stand around and wait for the awkward applause and laughs for 20 seconds on Conan or it would look like you're freezing. Big Applause at the end. Really good set. Check out some more of Juston McKinney if you get a chance.

How bout them apples?

2010-01-03T12:59:00.001-08:00

Inbetween the last video and this video I did 2 sets with this 10 new ten minutes. How in the world can I improve on that so much? Here's a non-secret.

A lot of people talk about rehearsing in the mirror. To me... it's not as much about the mirror. It's just about practice. I studied my set friday because I wasn't performing. I re wrote things in my head. I practiced it about 10 times until I made it through with no mistakes. If you ever get a chance read "The Talent Code". It's got great advice on how to practice, the science of how your brain remembers things and connects them to one another and the most efficient way to build your skills.

So what I'll usually do is sit with my laptop watch the video a bunch of times, make notes in my head on where I want to improve, and then open up youtube. I'll go to record from my webcam and just start the set. When I make a mistake, I stop, re say the line once or twice how I want it, and continue on and then start over. When I can make it through with no mistakes once or twice. I'm good to go. I'll generally repeat it in the car just to be sure, and go over it in my head a few times before I go on stage like any other normal comic and that all helps, but the work was done at home.

None of the videos ever get watched, published or saved. I don't look for facial expressions or any of that crap, I figure people in the back probably can't notice anything too much like that if it's not obvious, so f that. I just don't want to be the idiot talking to the wall. Plus it has a 10 minute limit, which is great for working on a 10 minute set.

** I used to do the same thing on facebook with my webcam videos, but I would save them and record them on my friends pages to try and convince them to come to open mic. Some comics eventually saw them and started making fun of me. So I stopped doing them so publicly. but hey, there is no way to simulate a stage.

Also, ALWAYS try a joke. Have no fear. Several instances proved in this video right here. The sex offender/12 year old joke I came up with on vacation. I told my dad the joke because he started asking me how much I've written this week. I said a bunch. I told him the idea for the joke. He looked at me strange. I kinda shrugged and said maybe it's not a hot idea. I tried it and it did really well.

That was the first show. In between, he laughed and said 'wow. I remember you telling me that joke and I dismissed it. Good job.' Then Susan Jones gave me the Kevin Bacon Footloose joke. I didn't get it, but I trusted her. I figured my dad will laugh at that. So I read it to him. He looked at me blank and Brian Boshes looked at me blank and said 'I think that one might be just for Susan.' I went up and did it anyway. Applause break. There is no way to simulate a stage. Just do it. (Nike better send me some cash.)

Have a good day peoples.

New Years Eve Party VIDEO

2010-01-01T14:06:00.000-08:00

Start the new year off right. ON MY GRIND. lol. Typical Andrew Rivers fashion, you know? I was excited to try a bunch of new jokes. So I just did. Even though I bombed the day before, and this was a sell out crowd. I was nervous as hell. Don't tell anyone but a few of them didn't even get open mic'd yet, I just knew they'd be that good. :)

I messed up a little bit, with the long and dark joke. Most of that is pretty new jokes. So it's not very polished. Anyway, I'm excited, these jokes still make me laugh out loud. That takes effort.

Doesn't the best humor come from truth? Have a good 2010 peeps. I'll come back and post my resolutions and all that crap soon. Off to enjoy the day.

New Video

2009-12-31T01:02:00.000-08:00

From a few weeks ago, just got around to uploading it.

Opening for Tom Rhodes. This was the show I did really well at. The very next show. Same jokes, same day. Terrible show. I'll have to go review the tape and find the differences.

Man, I haven't done any of those jokes in a while. I felt like I was getting sick of them. I've got so many new jokes, I just need more stage time.

Just got offered to do a four day tour trip to Idaho, Montana, South Dakota and Wyoming. Not sure if I'm going to accept it. I'd miss a wednesday show, but at the end of the day. Money is money. I'll probably take it. Stay tuned.

I don't care

2009-12-31T00:12:00.000-08:00

*walk on stage with a trumpet. Set it down on the stool or w/e. Let the awkward silence build for a few seconds.*

Don't worry, I'm not going to play it. I love my mom, but she's the least funny person on the planet. For the last month she's been trying to give me advice. The other day she was like *goofy mom voice* 'you should bring your saxaphone on stage.' 'Well, first of all mom, it's a trumpet. uh. And second of all. No! How is that funny?'

I hate that, as a comedian, People always come up to me "You should do a joke about this, how come you don't have any Tiger woods jokes?" Don't tell me how to do my job. "What? You work for boeing? How about you take that engine thing and put it on the windshield. That's a good idea." I don't want to talk about Tiger woods. I don't care about Tiger Woods. Anything that's in the news. I hate the news. *gasp* ANOTHER celebrity scandal? How about we do a story on celebrities that don't cheat on their wives. That would get my attention. There's nothing new here, let's move on.

The news pisses me off. There's a big snowstorm on the east coast. Yeah. It's called Winter. It happens every year. Get over it. I don't care about Tiger, I don't care about the snow. I don't even care if you laugh at these jokes. I mean at the end of the day, I know I'm funny, my mom said so. *look at trumpet*

I always get in trouble for that. Saying I don't care. People don't understand. You should care. I do care. Just not enough. I'd like you to laugh. I prefer you laugh. but I don't care. I have opinions, and preferences. Sure honey, I'd prefer if you didn't sleep with my best friend, but if you do, I don't care. I'd rather sleep with your best friend too. We have so much in common.

You don't like my Tie? I don't care. You're right. It's stupid. You think I'm wearing this to impress you, no, I'm valeting cars after the show.

"And for the record. Jokes are just real life stories, exaggerated to be funny. In case a certain person happens to hear this and think it's about her. I can already imagine this awkward conversation. Look mom, I like the trumpet idea, honestly. I was just kidding."

Anyway, *grab trumpet* thanks for the great idea, mom. *set trumpet down on floor*

Not one to bat an eyelash at my own rules of fuck what other comics think, but this all seems like it could be done without the trumpet. It feels like Prop comedy. Anyway, I need to write more on how I don't care. lol. It's always gotten me in trouble. Because I don't mean to say "I don't care" it's just easier than explaining the long answer. I have zero confidence any of this will work on stage. but my parents keep bugging me saying this apathetic attitude I have all the time is my "Voice." See I DO care about things. So how ironic would that voice be?

No Homo

2009-12-29T03:17:00.000-08:00

RT @theMCtype: Time to spread the #mancrushvideo link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoWvsa5okPk and thanks again for your help!!!

Local MC Type has an amazing new song and video out. Type- Man Crush (No Homo)

HIIIIIIILARIOUS. Raunchy ... but still youtube friendly. Genius.

Vacation Beard

2009-12-26T19:29:00.000-08:00

Original Concept Credit to my buddy CJ. He's got a somewhat disturbing joke about middle schoolers getting handjobs that somehow relates to his vacation beard. lol. CJ Alexander the Sex Offender Comedian.

haha.

So I only shave every two weeks or so. Sometimes 3. but It's probably been close to 4 now. I wanted to shave before I left, but then I decided screw it. I'm not going to be anywhere. Today I kinda looked in the mirror and said wow. I really have to shave when I get back to civilization.

I took a vacation recently, and I let my facial hair grow. Which is interesting because I can't really grow a full beard, but I can grow just enough to look like a sex offender and a 12 year old at the same time.

zing.

It sounded a little better in my head as I was thinking of it and trying to figure out how to write it. Eventually "I just got back from vacation" will have to turn into a different way to start it. That's a whole nother topic. But sometimes you can tell a joke is old just by listening to a set up. Some comics call themselves out on it. but some don't. You'll always hear people say things like "Just the other day." or "At the earlier show." That's a personal pet peeve. Just saying.

Anyway, off to get my vacation workout on.

lol, as I was writing the tags, I realized I called CJ and Myself a sex offender in the same blog post. No wonder we get along so well. hmm...

Random stuff

2009-12-24T17:50:00.000-08:00

I've been on vacation and although the first few days, I had no thought on comedy whatsoever, my dad and I got in a discussion the other day that got me back into writing mode. So I've been jotting a few things down. These are just the strawmen of the jokes if you will.

First drafts. To be fleshed out later.

- The older I get I feel like the more of a pussy I'm becomming. As a kid, I was invincible. I was climbing rocks and mountains and doing anything. Now I'm looking at things like "i dunno... I'm gonna pass...that chinese food looks spicy. I'll probably get diharea."

*I think that this is a joke that could have some potential, I envision trying to act it out. Maybe get the audience the think I'm on a mountain or looking over a ledge when I'm really looking at some chinese food.

- Technology is going to make parenting so much easier. Remember as a kid. It was always annoying with kids. "Daddy why is the sky blue?" "I dunno go ask your mother." Now it's gonna be like "I dunno go ask your phone."

*stupid.

- (on the subject of old people and technology. Somehow. lol.) "did you see the Tornado on the news today?" "Mom you were watching my son play Sim City."

*At least this one makes me laugh. Who knows if I'll ever say it in public.

- (sometimes, during a performance, there's a group of people that are slow, or one person who laughs late. This was an idea I had to address them, and make fun of them, without hurting their feelings.) Wow. That was a little late. You ok? Just checking. You know what that's like? You ever been in a bar watching like a big sports game, and one TV is like a couple seconds behind. All these people are watching one TV, but that guy is watching the slow TV. All of a sudden people start yelling, he's looking around like is that good yelling or bad yelling, whats going on, and then he looks at his TV and it's a touchdown and he's like YEAH! I get it now.

*Again. No real punchline yet. Just an interesting idea of what that reminded me of.

- Sometimes I feel adopted. My parents always want to help but they have no idea what's going on. My mom keeps telling me I should bring my saxaphone on stage because I played it in like 7th grade. I'm like you don't get it. That's not a joke. But maybe the joke is, I bring an instrument on stage. Look around. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna play it." then kinda explain how my mom is special.

* This is a long complicated thing about parents meddling.

-I'm not much for hiking. I'm sure the nature is beautiful, but that's what Google Earth is for. Plus there's zero chance for slipping and dying. I'd rather live with Carpel Tunnel.

* Meh.

- I don't know why some things are stories. Big snowstorm in the midwest. It's called winter. It happened last year. It happened again this year. It will happen again next year. Get over it. Tiger wooods. Same thing. I don't care. Last Year was A-Rod. Now it's Tiger. Next year who knows. Show me a celebrity with a successful marraige. That's a news story.

* Family keeps bothering me because I don't have tiger woods jokes. Then we got into why? and my dad says THAT is the best comedy and I should focus more on the deeper parts of my personality and WHY I'm so anti establishment and that should be my voice. *shrug*

- Why do they make airplane pillows out of material that can cut your face? You think that would be first on the list of material that shouldn't be used. I looked up the material. Turns out it's Polyester and Shrapnel. Luckily the woman next to me had 2 big comfortable pillows she lets me use to sleep.

* Boobs.

- (After all the dog & cat sex stories) And then this big hairy gorilla came in the room and started beating me. just kidding. I wish it was the gorilla. cuz it was her dad.

* thank god that's not a true story. lol

- Holiday tradition. Every thanksgiving my family and I get together and hunt for wild turkeys. Which is surprisingly easy, because they're found in liquor stores everywhere.

* ha ha... don't judge me.

That's all I feel like typing now.

Bob Rivers Comedy Corp - I Am Santa Claus

2009-12-23T17:19:00.000-08:00

CAn't find a way t embed this. Look at my acting skills from day 1. haha. I knew I'd be a star.

Bob Rivers Comedy Corp - I Am Santa Claus

Mike Cummings Should Quit

2009-12-23T02:21:00.000-08:00

http://mikecummingscomedy.blogspot.com/

Some people don't care to promote their blogs, like I did when I first started. Now I could care less about who visits. Mike is one of those guys who could care less about what you think. So I didn't know he had a blog until today.

He's a very funny comedian, and usually a nice guy, but he's also very genuine. He doesn't try to hide any of his bad qualities or deny them. He's proud of who he is and doesn't try to impress anyone (except for crowds) which is an admirable quality. He's realistic and will give it to you like it is. So go check out his blog. It's got some interesting stories. Just be careful. He's a bitter asshole a lot of the times. If you're not prepared, you may take him out of context or get upset. That's just him.

lol @ the Tag below. When did I use that?

The First Time I Tried Some Pot

2009-12-22T23:09:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite web comics a couple years running. They stole my joke. lol.

They didn't really steal it. Err. I hope not. I hardly tell it, I don't have it on video anywhere and I doubt I've written it on here. It's not a bad joke or anything. It just doesn't really fit in my sets anywhere. I've never been much for random ass transitions. For now I prefer things to make sense.

It's not really much of a joke, it's just reality anyway. The story is real. and it's truth. I'm tired and hungry all the time anyway. That's the main reason I DONT do drugs. Aside from ruining peoples lives, but a lot of people think that's debatable.

I guess it just made me laugh. Anyway, here's the joke as it's been edited over the years since I first smoked pot and started telling people why I don't do it, and turned it into an actual joke.

I'm not much for pot, personally. Every time I smoke, I get hungry, tired and watch cartoons all day, and it's like I'm an unemployed comedian. I'm good at all those things by myself. I don't need any help. I still remember the first time I smoked pot, I was just zoned out in front of the TV like a zombie, just going to town on a bag of chips watching the smurfs. Then my friend came over and was like "Hey, man, you should try this pot." So we smoked, and then I just took a nap.

but to each their own. :) I just thought it was funny.

Anyway. That's all I really had to say about it. Back to vacation. True story about the smurfs